<!DOCTYPE html>
<html>
<head>
<meta charset="UTF-8">
<title>Paths by sarahunter123</title>
<style type="text/css">

body { background-color: #ffffff; }
.CI {
text-align:center;
margin-top:0px;
margin-bottom:0px;
padding:0px;
}
.center   {text-align: center;}
.cover    {text-align: center;}
.full     {width: 100%; }
.quarter  {width: 25%; }
.smcap    {font-variant: small-caps;}
.u        {text-decoration: underline;}
.bold     {font-weight: bold;}
</style>
</head>
<body>
<h1><a href="https://archiveofourown.org/works/28018860">Paths</a> by <a class='authorlink' href='https://archiveofourown.org/users/sarahunter123/pseuds/sarahunter123'>sarahunter123</a></h1>

<table class="full">

<tr><td><b>Category:</b></td><td>Dragon Age: Inquisition</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Genre:</b></td><td>F/M, Implied/Referenced Suicide, Survivor Guilt</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Language:</b></td><td>English</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Status:</b></td><td>Completed</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Published:</b></td><td>2020-12-12</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Updated:</b></td><td>2021-02-21</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Packaged:</b></td><td>2021-05-10 21:47:12</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Rating:</b></td><td>Explicit</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Warnings:</b></td><td>Graphic Depictions Of Violence, Major Character Death</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Chapters:</b></td><td>17</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Words:</b></td><td>22,055</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Publisher:</b></td><td>archiveofourown.org</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Story URL:</b></td><td>https://archiveofourown.org/works/28018860</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Author URL:</b></td><td>https://archiveofourown.org/users/sarahunter123/pseuds/sarahunter123</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Summary:</b></td><td><div class="userstuff">
              <p>A half blood who's never quite belonged sets out on a path to find a life of her own.</p>
            </div></td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Relationships:</b></td><td>Female Lavellan/Cullen Rutherford</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Comments:</b></td><td>8</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Kudos:</b></td><td>56</td></tr>

</table>

<a name="section0001"><h2>1. Chapter 1</h2></a>
<div class="story"><div class="userstuff module">
    
    <p>     I watched the small candles flicker and glow across the water of the lake. They floated delicately across the surface on their handcrafted glass holders. There were dozens of them and they created an ethereal glow against the beautiful night. </p><p>    I listened to the laughter and constant chattering of the people around me. They danced and drank in celebration of the clan's newest bonded couple. The newly weds were in the center of the crowd, the bride's simple but lovely gown flowed past her feet and was carefully pinned in the front as not to let her step on the bottom and trip. Her sleeves were long and at her wrists spread into a lovely large bell shape with lace kissing the ends. She was the ideal Elvhen woman with a petite, slender frame and long hair so blonde, it was nearly white. Her large green eyes would bashfully fall downcast when he would whisper something in her pointed ear. </p><p>     She was everything I wasn't. I was taller than the Elvhen women, but of average height for a human woman. She was like a shimmering strand of silver, where I was mostly dark. Only in the winter months would my tanned Olive skin pale and hold a Yellow undertone. My hair was thick and wild with waves, lopped above my shoulders. </p><p>     By the Creators he loved her. His beautiful blue eyes shone with pride and desire when he looked upon her. I knew he would fall for her the first time he laid eyes on her. His grip around my waist had even loosened when she approached. She had been sent to Clan Lavellan because her clan had too many mages, and she was of age to marry. </p><p>     He'd raged against the wishes of his parents and stood by my side firmly.</p><p>     <em>"No one will ever come between us. I will not marry this woman. We will never be bonded together. I swear it." He'd said to me in a righteous oath, his blue eyes swimming with tears.</em></p><p>     But then he saw her. </p><p>     Day after day, I watched him slip away a little further than the last. I watched his curiosity grow into fascination,  and then love. </p><p>     "<em>This... this isn't how I thought things would happen. I'm so sorry." </em>He whispered as he held my hands in his, his eyes unable to meet mine. Then he handed me the necklace I'd made for him several years prior. It was made of leather and a smooth Onyx stone hung from the center. </p><p>     Six months later, when the Spring had blossomed into it's full glory, they wed.</p><p>     There I sat, on a large blouder overlooking the celebration by the lake, watching the happy couple and the supportive clan dance and laugh the night away. I was expected to take part of course. The clan is one big family. We celebrate and mourn together. We grow and move together. This is the way of the Elvhen. </p><p>     I heard a sigh beside me and knew immediately who approached. </p><p>     "This has not been an easy day for you, has it Dalen?"</p><p>      Keeper Deshanna asked gently as she came to sit beside me. </p><p>      "He's happy. I suppose that's all that matters when you love someone." I said softly.</p><p>     "Do you? Still love him, that is."</p><p>     I shrugged. "I've accepted that he doesn't want me. Perhaps he wasn't who I thought he was. Then again, despite the men being interested in me as a lover, none will ever think to marry me. I was foolish to think he was different. "</p><p>     "Elvhen blood runs through your veins Dalen."</p><p>     "And so does Human blood, and they all know it." I responded lowly as I waved my hand in the direction of the crowd. </p><p>     The Keeper hummed in response. It was no use arguing something we both knew to be true. </p><p>     "You've been floundering ever since he left you. A ship without it's sails. You've no direction,  no purpose...." </p><p>     "I know." I responded,  the words cracking my voice as I suppressed the tears I felt forming in my eyes. </p><p>     "I've shown you everything I could. Taught you all that I know. You would be my first Dalen. But the prejudice of the council would never allow it. You've outgrown us my child."</p><p>     She smiled sweetly and sadness was etched around her eyes.</p><p>     "What do you mean?" I asked, confused and shaken.</p><p>     "I've a proposition for you. In Fereldan,  a town of Haven is hosting a large event they call a 'Conclave'. There, they will try to settle this ongoing war between their Templars and Mages. Our people have paid no mind to the affairs of Humans, but, this war threatens to spill into all of the corners of Thedas. Go there Dalen. Find out what you can. Explore the world on your own. Perhaps, you will find a new path. <em>Your </em>path. All I ask, is that you tell me what you learn."</p><p>     "You wish me to leave?" I asked, feeling a hollowness in my chest. </p><p>     "Never child. I wish you to find your way. We both know, it isn't here." She took my hands and kissed them.</p><p>     "It is your choice. If you wish to stay, I will not push you to leave. This is your home. Your nest. But you are ready to fly Dalen."</p><p>     I smiled softly at the idea. Perhaps there was more for me... somewhere in the world.</p><p>     </p>
  </div></div>
<a name="section0002"><h2>2. Not the man I'd heard about.....</h2></a>
<div class="story"><div class="userstuff module">
    
    <p>     Sometime later, I arrived in Haven. My Keeper had warned me of the colder climate that I would find in Fereldan,  but I still found myself in shock when I felt the freezing snow beneath my bare feet. As a half blood, I wasn't able to endure the extreme temperatures as full Elves did. Yet, I was better off than the full Shems I encountered. They were bundled head to toe in thick layers. I only required leggings and a long sleeved tunic. I finally broke down and purchased a pair of the most soft and flexible boots I could find. Still, the boots felt like bricks wrapped around my feet.</p><p>     The small town was full of templars and mages, merchants and chantry sisters. I felt uneasy walking freely among them and longed to run into the pines that called to me just outside the city gates. </p><p>     My ears were not as sharply pointed as full blooded Elves, and were easier to hide beneath my thick waves. I applied for a position at the Conclave. A translator for the Orlesian mages. I had easily picked up the language as a young girl during our trading of goods and travels. When I was 12, Dalish scarves were suddenly a fashionable trend amongst the nobility. The scarves were hard to get a hold of and finely made. Our clan was practically bombarded with Orlesian servants trying to get their hands on our scarves for their lords and ladies.</p><p>     I quickly passed the verbal test and given a position. I thought that surely,  this was the beginning of my new path. A translator at something <em>this </em>important? What other opportunities would arise? </p><p>     Then, everything literally exploded. </p><hr/><p>     I stood before four people who all terrified me in their own way. The first, the woman known as Leliana,  was oddly intriguing and scary all at once. She was the Spymaster for this 'Inquisition '. Next, a pretty, soft woman named Josephine,  apparently their Ambassador,  unnerved me because her manners and etiquette were absolutely perfect. I was afraid of breathing wrong in her presence. </p><p>     Cassandra,  whom I'd fought alongside with three days before, was terrifying,  but I felt as though she was quickly becoming an ally of sorts. At least, she was someone who would hopefully think twice before killing me.</p><p>     The final member, the one who literally made my hands tremble, was Commander Cullen Rutherford. Former Knight Commander of Kirkwall. Clan Lavellan was all too familiar with the stories out of Kirkwall and the harsh conditions the mages lived in. The Knight Commander was feared greatly. </p><p>     And here he was before me in the flesh. I'd imagined him as some grotesque, monster of a man. But he was the exact opposite,  which made him that much more terrifying. He was <em>beautiful. </em></p><p>     Tall, broad shouldered,  made all the more obvious by his perfect posture that never waivered. Golden locks perfectly in place, all but one stray strand that brushed along his forehead. His handsome golden face was made rugged by the scar that ran at a slanted vertical from the top of his lip and the slight stubble along his jawline. But what was the most disarming,  was his eyes.</p><p>     I'd always enjoyed finding a beehive in the forest nestled within a tree. I would gently approached it as not to anger the bees. My mouth would practically salivate when my hand would pull out of the hive and my eyes would take in the beautiful honeycomb dripping in a deep, rich, golden  honey. Now, I saw this when I looked in his eyes. Rich golden honey. </p><p>     Yet this man was capable of terrible things. It was the worst contradiction. No one so cruel should be so beautiful. </p><p>     "Herald of Andraste.... that's quite the title... what do you make of it?" He suddenly said in a low, deep voice. It sounded pleasant and almost friendly. He stared at me from across the large wooden table awaiting my answer.</p><p>     Despite the intimidation I felt standing amongst these people, I was not about to show my fear.</p><p>     I was from Clan Lavellan. I was Elvhen. I had been brought up to be proud and never show fear. I wasn't going to change that now. </p><p>     "I find it ridiculous. I am Elvhen, I worship the Creators. I am a mage and I am wholly against the teachings of the chantry and their treatment of mages. "  My voice was strong and I held my head high.</p><p>     The Commander seemed to almost wince and shifted from foot to foot at my words and I had to stop the smirk that played on my lips. <em>I made him uncomfortable. Good. </em>I thought to myself.</p><p>     Cassandra coughed to break the awkward silence.</p><p>     "We respect your traditions Lady Lavellan and would never ask you to denounce your beliefs. But it is.... to our benefit,  if we do not fight against this title the people have given you. We are more likely to gain allies if they believe you are Andraste's Herald." Josephine said in her lovely voice. </p><p>     Leliana nodded in agreement. "As a public figure, you must play the part." She added in an icy tone that signaled there was to be no argument.</p><p>     "We've asked her to be apart of the Inquisition and she has accepted. Isn't that enough? Now we ask her to take on a title she doesn't want? All to please a bunch of Chantry sisters and men like Chancellor Roderick? This isn't how we want to begin the Inquisition is it?" The Commander asked as he pinched the bridge of his nose. </p><p>     My brows raised in surprised at his objection. I certainly hadn't expected anyone to stand up for me, least of all <em>him.</em></p><p>"The Inquisition is in its infancy and in no position to rock the boat anymore than it already has." Leliana quipped sharply.</p><p>     The Commander sighed and looked to me. His eyes looking up at me from under his dark lashes he asked, "we will not force you. It is your choice my Lady."</p><p>     My mouth fell open slightly as I felt at a loss of words. This was not the man I had heard about for the last decade. I found myself nodding and saying, "I understand. Thank you for your consideration of my feelings on the matter. I will not actively fight against the title, but I will never deny my beliefs when asked either."</p><p>     Josephine nodded, "thank you Hera- ah,  Lady Lavellan. " She smiled warmly and I couldn't help but return it. </p><p>     We all filed out of the war room and I was intent to get back to the little cabin that was apparently mine. I was exhausted despite being unconscious for three days. It was freezing cold and I was starving. My body and mana were drained. The mark on my hand ached and throbbed. What had I gotten myself into?</p><p>     An overwhelming sense of panic spread over me as I walked through the main hall and quickly tried to dodge the crowds of people bowing to me, praying, reaching out to touch me, asking for my blessing. My vision began to blur and my breathing was short and fast. I couldn't get away and  couldn't seem to catch my breath. </p><p>     "I'm sorry, not now...please.... I'm terribly sorry..." I repeated to the crowd again and again as I made my way outside the chantry. They were <em>everywhere. </em>I could feel hot tears forming in my eyes. I needed <em>space. </em></p><p>     "Please stop!" I cried out, but my cries were drowned out by the begging and cries of the people around me. They were becoming more forceful, more desperate. They pulled at my tunic and tugged at my hands. My head swirled and I was suffocating. My knees began to buckle and I felt myself collapsing.</p><p>     Before I reached the ground, strong arms pulled me to my feet and with a strong grip around my waist, pulled me from the crowd.</p><p>     "ENOUGH! Return to your duties or your homes at ONCE!" The voice that held me up roared. Everyone scampered away, some muttering apologies and "yes Commander " under their breath.</p><p>     I was suddenly whisked away to the side of the chantry. A small wooden bench sat against the stone wall. It was a small area with a few young pines, most importantly,  it was <em>empty. </em></p><p>The strong arms guided me to the bench and gently sat me down. </p><p>     "<em>Breath </em>my Lady. Slowly and deeply. That's it. Again."</p><p>     I closed my eyes and listened to the low, smooth voice that began to calm me. As I inhaled I smelled the warm scent of Oakmoss and Elderflower. It reminded me of my long Summer walks in the forests of the Free Marches. </p><p>     My heart beat returned to normal  and the world stopped spinning. </p><p>     "Take all the time that you need." The voice said gently.</p><p>     A sense of recognition struck me at the sound of the voice speaking again and I opened my eyes to be met with rich, golden, honey eyes. His face was soft, concern etched across his features. He was kneeled before me as I sat on the bench, his hands still on my arms. </p><p>     We stared at one another for a moment, and strangely,  it felt as if we'd known one another for years. There was no discomfort in our close proximity or in our silence. </p><p>     Then, the trance was broken. He suddenly stood, and rubbed at the back of his neck. I thought I saw the faint trace of a blush across his cheeks.</p><p>     "I apologize for all that. We should've known the crowd would be waiting. I will assign several soldiers to stay in close proximity to wherever you are in the village. Their job will be to disperse the crowds should they gather again. I anticipate the excitement of all this will die down within a few days. "</p><p>     I nodded. "People are fickle creatures." I murmured. </p><p>     To my surprise,  he chuckled lowly. "Indeed they are."</p><p>     He took a deep breath and looked to the chantry. "I am supposed to meet with Josephine about funding for the soldier's weapons. Will you be alright heading to your cabin?" He asked.</p><p>     I found myself smiling slightly. "I suppose I've been through worse the last few days and survived. I think I can manage a walk to my cabin. I just needed my little breakdown I guess."</p><p>     The Commander gripped the pommel of his sword tightly. "You are exhausted,  most likely hungry, and in a strange situation to say the least. You are entitled to a breakdown." </p><p>     I stood, my legs still a bit shaky,  but I was unwilling to allow myself to be seen in another moment of weakness. </p><p>     "Thank you Commander. Truly." I said softly as I turned to begin my walk back. </p><p>     "I'll send a healer and a meal to your cabin my Lady. Do not hesitate to ask for anything you may need." He gave a subtle incline of his head and I returned the gesture. </p><p>     Not the man I'd heard about at all....</p><p>     </p>
  </div></div>
<a name="section0003"><h2>3. Companions</h2></a>
<div class="story"><div class="userstuff module">
    
    <p>     Varric was nice. Someone I immediately felt comfortable around. His sarcastic humor and quick wit put me at ease. He always had some kind of alcohol on his person and was always willing to share.  </p><p>     We sat around the campfire somewhere deep in the Hinterlands. We'd been there almost a full week trying to make the area more livable for those who were forced to flee their homes. I'd insisted we hunt for the refugees at the Inquisition outpost and gather furs for those without blankets. The nights were bitterly cold here. My contempt for the chantry only grew as I saw how it had abandoned it's people. How could something so powerful and wealthy not be able to help those in need? Where were they? </p><p>     "Hey Chuckles,  you sure you don't want some?" Varric asked as he waved his bottle of whiskey at the quiet, brooding mage.</p><p>     Solas was someone I had wanted to like. He was Elvhen. I had wrongly assumed he was Dalish and he quickly made me feel a fool for assuming. He was wise and knowledgeable about our people but everything in my being screamed <em>do not trust him. </em>I am one to follow my intuition and decided to keep my distance. </p><p>     Solas simply peered up from behind his book and gave a raise of a brow before returning his eyes back to the pages. </p><p>     "I'll have another swig. " I said, happily reaching for the bottle.</p><p>     "Ahhh now that's why I like you. Not afraid to kick some ass and have a stiff drink." Varric said as he watched me down another large swig from the bottle.</p><p>     "So tell me about yourself Lavellan. What's your story?" He asked as he reclined back against a rock. </p><p>     I shrugged. "Not much to tell I'm afraid. I've lived with my clan all my life,  traded frequently with city elves and shems, traveled alot around the Free Marches and sometimes Orlais.... then I came here." I drank again from the bottle. By now, it no longer burned as it went down and I felt warm and relaxed. </p><p>     "So you're Dalish.... both parents Dalish too?" He asked as he scratched his chin. I rolled my eyes and chuckled. "Obviously not. Just come out and ask what's on your mind."</p><p>     He laughed a little too. "Alright, you're clearly not full Elf.... so was your mother or father human?"</p><p>     "My mother was full Dalish." I answered,  drinking a little longer from the bottle. </p><p>     "Is that why you do not have the..." he made a circle motion around his face.</p><p>     "Vallaslin? Yes that is correct. I was not allowed to participate in the sacred ritual. Only those of a pure bloodline may have the Vallaslin."</p><p>     "Then consider yourself lucky." Solas muttered from behind his book. </p><p>     I ignored the comment and continued, "at the time, I was deeply hurt. It is such an important moment for everyone in the clan. A right of passage. But, now that I am to find my path outside my clan, I suppose it helps that I blend in more without it." </p><p>     I stared into the fire, recalling the day the Keeper emerged from the large tent that held the council. They had decided I would not receive my Vallaslin, and I had been devastated. Keeper Deshanna comforted me, assured me I was apart of the clan, just as much as everyone else. But we both knew it wasn't entirely true. </p><p>     "Why do you need to find your path outside your clan?" Cassandra's Nevarren accented said from across the fire. She seemed genuinely interested in the conversation but had remained quiet until this moment. </p><p>     I shifted uncomfortably,  not sure how much I was willing to share with people I had known for only a couple weeks.</p><p>     "I was stagnant in the clan. I was unable to hold any position, due to my bloodline. Time and again, I watched others be promoted to leading positions. I was repeatedly passed over for someone less skilled all because of my heritage. Head healer, head hunter, Creators, even head herb collector. " I laughed bitterly. "I should have been our Keeper's first. I exceeded the requirements. But, well... you get the picture. "</p><p>     I took another drink and handed the bottle back to Varric. "The final blow was that at my age, everyone was bonded. Nobody would even entertain the thought of bonding with me. So... my Keeper suggested I look for a new path. And here I am."</p><p>     Even Solas had dropped his book and was watching me, his ears slightly drooping in saddness.... or was it pity? Cassandra's eyes were sorrowful and Varric just mumbled 'damn' under his breath. </p><p>     I didn't want them feeling sorry for me. I wasn't entirely rejected by my clan. "Please.... do not pity me. I was well cared for, well clothed and fed, trained equally with the others my age. There were just some limitations on what I was allowed to take part in." </p><p>     Varric nodded, "and your father?"</p><p>     My face fell flat and my eyes grew even darker than they already were. "I never knew him. That is all I'd like to say on the matter."</p><p>     Varric quickly changed the subject by teasing the Seeker for her strict schedule and claiming it was well past her Seeker bedtime. </p><p>     Everyone began walking to their respective tents and I practically crawled into my own. Partly from the alcohol but mainly from exhaustion. I lay on my back and stared into the darkness. For a moment I considered letting my hand wander down my body. Creators how long had it been since I'd had a lover? I couldn't muster the energy and rolled over onto my side. </p><p>     I dreamt that night of my clan. The man I thought I'd marry. I dreamt of the day he saw the woman he would move on to marry. I relived the pain of watching him slip away from me.</p><p>     Then oddly enough, I dreamt of thick, rich, golden honey, slowly rolling down my bare skin, until I was covered in it. It was warm and pleasurable,  and the color was so beautiful....</p><p>     </p>
  </div></div>
<a name="section0004"><h2>4. Staring</h2></a>
<div class="story"><div class="userstuff module">
    
    <p>     We were back in Haven and I immediately felt the chill of the snow around us. Josephine had acquired a beautiful green cloak for me and I was extremely grateful. It served me well to keep me warm and was very functional for traveling and fighting. </p><p>     My staff had also been given some much needed upgrades. The blade at the end was sharp and deadly and I wielded it well. My magic was well rounded to include healing, fire, ice, and lightning. My force push was strong and my barriers even stronger. </p><p>     I stood against the fencing of the stables, feeding the horses carrots and enjoying their company. Like the Commander had predicted,  the crowds had died down and the people weren't following me like a pack of wolves. They now greeted me formerly with a subtle bowing of the head and a 'bless you Herald" as they went by. </p><p>     Some eyed me with suspicion,  not trusting that a Dalish mage was actually Andraste's Herald. </p><p>     I could hear the clashing of practice swords and the Commander barking out orders and criticisms of the recruits. I glanced over and watched the new recruits struggle with basic fighting stances. One fell over from the slightest push of his opponent and I found myself lightly chuckling. </p><p>     My eyes were then drawn to the large figure draped in a deep red mantle and met the intense gaze of the Commander's eyes. <em>Great he caught me laughing at his soliders. </em>I thought to myself as I gave a sheepish wave. He gave a quick nod and turned back around to say something to his lieutenant. </p><p>     I sighed and considered bolting for my cabin but I decided to swallow my pride and try to make pleasant conversation with the intimidating man to make sure I'd caused no offense. </p><p>     I approached carefully,  as not to get smashed into by the clueless recruits. I crept up next to his side and looked up at him. Creators he was tall. </p><p>     "Good morning Commander. " I greeted. He turned in surprise at my voice and the sudden appearance by his side. He looked.... uncomfortable? He rubbed at the back of his neck and his eyes darted everywhere but to me.</p><p>     "Herald! Ah, g-good morning... I apologize for staring a few moments ago..... you were feeding my horse... he seemed to like you. Th-that's rare... he's notoriously stubborn and ornery. "</p><p>     I smiled a little more broadly now at the misunderstanding we'd both just had. "I thought you had caught me chuckling at one of your recruits. They're doing well! I just.... I happened to see one fall over and well my sense of humor is that of a child's I suppose."</p><p>     "If my men falling over make you smile like that, then I will order them to fall down everytime you pass by." His words were smooth and a world different than what he'd sounded like moments before. Even he seemed to realize the way he sounded and blushed aggressively as soon as the words left his mouth. </p><p>     I tried to ease the tension by saying, "it was probably a shock to see me laughing. I've been all doom and gloom since arriving. I am feeling more like myself as I've begun to settle in." I offered.</p><p>     This elicited a crooked closed mouth smile from the Commander and I felt my heart skip a beat. </p><p>     "I can't imagine what you've made of all this. Humans must seem like a catastrophe to you. I suppose you wouldn't be wrong." He added grimly as he crossed his arms over his chest, watching his troops carefully. </p><p>     I chuckled, "the Dalish are far from perfect I assure you. Constant infighting,  traditionalists terrified of doing something that doesn't follow Dalish teachings,  the progressive group pushing us to interact more with other cultures..... bickering between clans over land...." I rolled my eyes and shook my head. </p><p>     He quirked a brow and looked at me in subtle surprise.  "Truly? I had no idea. To be fair, my knowledge of the Dalish is limited. But I always assumed they were a peaceful people."</p><p>     "It doesn't matter where you come from, someone is always power hungry." I replied with a sigh. </p><p>     "You there! There's a shield in your hand, block with it! If that'd been your enemy, you'd be dead!" He growled in irritation. </p><p>     I bit my bottom lip hard to keep from laughing again as the recruit desperately tried to block with his makeshift shield. </p><p>     "I could help.... it's a very large group, perhaps I could help train a small group for a couple hours a day? I at least know the basics of slipping an attack and a fighter's stance. Maybe the newest recruits?"</p><p>     He mulled over my words for a moment. "That actually would be helpful. Rylen is already working with the brand new recruits but his group is growing too large. You two could split it.  If.... if it's not too much trouble of course. You're so busy as it is..." he suddenly looked very unsure of himself. </p><p>     I found myself feeling excited. "Not when I'm here in Haven. My mornings so far consist of feeding your horse." I said with a laugh. </p><p>     The Commander chuckled lowly, "alright then... tomorrow morning? Right after breakfast?"</p><p>     I extended my hand to offer a shake. He took it in his large strong hand and shook on the agreement. </p><p>     "I'll see you in the morning then. Well and I guess in the war room this afternoon." I added with a shrug.</p><p>     He chuckled again and replied, "we'll be seeing a lot of one another I'm sure."</p><p>     "I look forward to it." I found myself saying slyly as I looked into his magnetic eyes. What in Thedas was wrong with me? I knew the rumors about him were terrible,  yet everytime I found myself around him.....</p><p>     I walked away with an extra bounce to my step. I was excited to have something to keep me busy while in Haven. Excited to teach what I knew. Excited to be around.... Inquisition members,  I quickly told myself. </p><p>     I couldn't resist the urge to turn around and glance once more at the training grounds. I told myself it was to watch the recruits one more time before I entered the city gates. My eyes immediately met those of the Commander's,  who must have glanced back to watch me go. We both blushed and I shot out a quick wave before bolting through the city gates.</p><p> </p><p>     </p>
  </div></div>
<a name="section0005"><h2>5. Mother</h2></a>
<div class="story"><div class="userstuff module">
    
    <p>
  <em>     "Not this dream again" I muttered aloud. The familiar interior of my childhood caravan surrounded me. The scent of my mother, pine and vanilla, filled my nostrils. </em>
</p><p>
  <em>     A girl,  <strong>me, </strong>sat upright in her bed. I was 11 this night. My mother sat on the side of my bed singing a sweet Dalish lullaby. She hadn't sang to me in a long time. I was so happy. </em>
</p><p>
  <em>     "And so so foolish." The familiar,  sickening voice said behind me. The demon who had haunted my fade dreams since childhood arrived right on cue. </em>
</p><p>
  <em>     The demon didn't try to take on any kind of inviting form.  It just stood, draped in shadowed robes, its face always hidden from me. </em>
</p><p>
  <em>     "Not tonight. Please. " I asked in vain, knowing it wouldn't make it stop.</em>
</p><p>
  <em>     My mother finished her lullaby and smiled sadly at my child self, who was now laying on her back staring up lovingly at her mother. </em>
</p><p>
  <em>     "I've got something for you my little bird." My mother said just above a whisper. She untied the necklace that was always around her neck, even when she slept and bathed, and clasped it behind my own. </em>
</p><p>
  <em>     "Mamae? This is your special necklace..." my child form remarked with wide eyes. </em>
</p><p>
  <em>     "This was the moment you knew something was wrong.... and did nothing." The demon hissed in my ear.</em>
</p><p>
  <em>     My heart thumped in my chest slowly and hard, as if straining to keep beating. It always broke during this dream that was straight from my memory.</em>
</p><p>
  <em>     "I-I didn't know..." I rasped in response to the demon. </em>
</p><p>
  <em>     My mother tucked a strand of wild hair behind my small ear as I admired the necklace. A beautiful silverite chain with a bright emerald incased with a gold ring. </em>
</p><p>
  <em>     "It is my special necklace. And now it is yours. Wear it always to remember us." She said as she kissed my forehead. </em>
</p><p>
  <em>     "But you're not going anywhere right Mamae?"</em>
</p><p>
  <em>     The child me asked with a shaking voice.</em>
</p><p>
  <em>     My mother wiped a tear that threatened to fall from her eye, "I'm staying right here until you fall asleep. You've nothing to worry about Theo. I love you. No matter what the future holds for you, know this isn't your fault."</em>
</p><p>
  <em>     My girl self looked up questioning my mother's words, "what isn't my fault?" </em>
</p><p>
  <em>     My mother shushed me. "Nothing sweet girl. Nothing is your fault. I love you. Now sleep, dream of all the sweet things you deserve in this world. I love you." She repeated again. </em>
</p><p>
  <em>     "I love you too Mamae" I had whispered as I squeezed her hand. I was 11, but I had cared for her as a mother would care for her child  on many nights. Our roles had always been reversed.</em>
</p><p>
  <em>     "You were willing to overlook what was to come for this one moment when she was actually a mother to you " The demon hissed again. It's tongue flicking out and hitting the shell of my ear. </em>
</p><p>
  <em>     I felt nauseous. "Please</em>
  <em>... Make this stop. I didn't understand, I swear it...." </em>
</p><p>
  <em>     "But you knew something was wrong and did nothing. It's no wonder your clan made you an outcast."</em>
</p><p>
  <em>     "I was an outcast long before this night." I replied bitterly. </em>
</p><p>
  <em>     My mother sat by my child self until I fell asleep, just as she said she would. Never leaving my side until she was sure. </em>
</p><p>
  <em>     "This is the part you slept through isn't it? The part only I get to show you...." The demon said, and although I couldn't see it's face, I knew it was smiling. </em>
</p><p>
  <em>     I watched as my child self slept, hand clutching my mother's necklace. My mother silently standing, and walking to the caravan door. She picked up a thick, long rope.  She opened the door and before stepping out, took one last look at me and whispered,</em>
</p><p>
  <em>     "It was never your fault." </em>
</p><p>
  
</p><hr/><p>     I woke to a pounding on my door. My cheeks wet with fresh tears from the reoccurring dream. I felt as if I couldn't breath and called out in a choked sob. </p><p>     "Who-Who is there?" </p><p>     "Herald! Lady Lavellan are you alright?!" </p><p>     It was the Commander. </p><p>     "I'm telling you Curly, just break down the damn door. She was screaming!" </p><p>     <em>Varric </em>I thought to myself. </p><p>     I flew out of my bed and opened the door to stop the Commander from bursting through and having to bother a woodsman to repair it.</p><p>     "I'm alright! I'm alright!" I said trying to calm the men.</p><p>     Both men stared at me with a look of concern and even slight shock. <em>Creators I probably look terrible. </em></p><p>     "I heard you crying Emerald,  you even screamed at one point." Varric said, trying to peer around me to make sure I was alone.</p><p>     "A nightmare,  that's all..wait, Emerald?" I suddenly realized what'd he called me.</p><p>     "Yeah! Your hand glows Emerald green, the necklace you always wear.... seemed appropriate."</p><p>     The Commander spoke gently,  "are you sure you're alright?"</p><p>     "Yes, maybe a bit embarrassed...." I added with a tense laugh. </p><p>     "No need to be embarrassed..... I understand nightmares more than you know.." he said darkly.</p><p>     "Breakfast is in 30 minutes. I will see you after on the training grounds?" He asked, his tone hopeful. </p><p>     Varric's eyes darted between me and the Commander, several times before suddenly grinning like a cat who'd caught the canary.</p><p>     "I'll be there Commander. " I said with a smile that I had hoped was reassuring. </p><p>     It must have been because he seemed to relax a bit and smirked. "Very well. I'll see you soon Herald."</p><p>     "Later Emerald!" Varric said with a wink, and the men strolled off. </p><p>     I shut the door and caught my reflection in the mirror. By the Creators, I didn't look terrible. I looked absolutely ghastly. </p><p>     I groaned and set to freshening up and trying to shove down the dream memory so deeply, that I wouldn't think of it until the demon returned. </p>
  </div></div>
<a name="section0006"><h2>6. Stubborn</h2></a>
<div class="story"><div class="userstuff module">
    
    <p>     "Alright! Everyone listen closely. Our Herald has graciously offered to assist in the training of our newest recruits. You will be in this small group with her for two hours each morning,  right after breakfast. She will teach you the basics of fighting and defense." Everyone stood at attention as the Commander spoke and stalked up and down the group of would be soliders.</p><p>     One young man, no older than 20, scoffed. "What can a half elf  mage teach us about fighting?" He gave a smug laugh and looked at the others to join him. Everyone else grew pale as a ghost and didn't move an inch. </p><p>     The Commander's eyes narrowed and pierced the young man where he stood. "Do you question my decisions recruit? Perhaps you'd also like to tell Seeker Cassandra that you disagree with her assessment of the Herald's prowess on the field? She is after all,  the one who wrote to tell me how impressed she was with the Herald. Or is it just me you wish to cross today?" He added as he stepped closer to the recruit, causing the young man to take an unconscious step back. </p><p>     "I-I just don't see how-"</p><p>     "ENOUGH! HERALD!"</p><p>     I wasn't one of his recruits and I was supposed to be an equal, yet I found myself scampering to attention. </p><p>     "Yes Commander?" I asked clearly.</p><p>     "Ready your staff, let's give the recruits a demonstration shall we?" He turned to face me and gave me a smug smirk and a wink.</p><p>     My mind went blank for a moment and a warmth flooded my body at the sight of the crooked smirk. I quickly regained my compsure and swiftly brought my staff around to face him, twirling it effortlessly in the air. </p><p>     My staff was practically apart of my very being. An extension of my arm. I loved the feel of the smooth wood that was notched just right to give me the perfect grip.  The gleaming sharp blade that made it useful for close combat when necessary.  Mostly, I loved the feeling of my magic surging through the wood, pulsating and trembling. </p><p>     The Commander retrieved a practice sword and removed his mantle. </p><p>     "On your ready Herald" He said with a sure nod.</p><p>     I ground my back foot into the ground and began my attack. I swung my staff above my head, arching my back to duck the Commander's sword. He in return ducked low to avoid my staff and then we circled one another carefully. Both aware the other was more agile and faster than the other had anticipated. </p><p>     This time, it was the Commander who attacked first, feigning right but striking left. I quickly recovered and blocked the strike just before it made contact.  I responded with a sharp upward motion of the rounded end of my staff,  striking the Commander hard in the chest. He arched a brow after the blow and was now grinning. </p><p>     "Certainly not a circle mage" he said lowly in a tone that sounded like approval. </p><p>     I gave a smirk of my own,  "Certainly not."</p><p>     And the spar continued. Ducking,  swinging, pivoting, again and again. We were both breathing hard and my muscles were beginning to ache and slow. Here is where the Commander's relentless training far surpassed my own. He did not grow tired. Even with heavy breaths, he attacked with the same speed and accuracy as when he first started. Perhaps he even grew sharper in his technique as the spar continued,  where as mine grew more sloppy. </p><p>     Finally,  he caught me off guard, tripping me, causing me to stumble backwards. Before I could fall, his arm swooped around my back and caught me. But not one to actually lose a fight, his other arm held up his sword to my throat. His chest heaving and eyes blazing into mine he asked,</p><p>     "Do you yield?" </p><p>     I felt a smile spread over my sweat drenched face. </p><p>     "I yield." I said. </p><p>He stood us both upright and the recruits clapped and whooped with cheer.</p><p>     Cullen then rounded on the recruit who had disrespected him.</p><p>    "Did that look like anything you are capable of doing boy?" He rumbled, as he wiped a dribble of blood from his lip. I felt a bit guilty about that.</p><p>     "N-no sir." The young man responded sheepishly. </p><p>     "I couldn't quite hear you." The Commander growled. </p><p>     "No Sir!" The boy said loudly as he saluted him. </p><p>     "Then, you can learn from her. If you still doubt her ability, you may be next to spar her. I'll leave it up to her discretion whether or not she uses her magic." The young recruit's eyes widened in the realization that I wasn't limited to just swinging a staff around. </p><p>     "Yes sir, Sorry sir. My apologies Herald." The boy added. </p><p>     I gave him a genuine nod of acceptance. It wasn't the first time my skills were judged based off my appearance and it wouldn't be the last. </p><p>     <em>"It matters not how they judge you. What matters is whether you prove them right or wrong in their judgement." </em> My Keeper's words echoed in my mind as I looked at the new recruits who now looked to me as if I was some kind of wise sage who was about to share her secrets of life. They were eager to learn and eager to impress.</p><p>     The Commander gave me a nod and turned to march towards his own group of recruits. </p><p>     He had been incredibly supportive of me. I didn't understand why exactly. But I knew that I liked it. </p><hr/><p>     That evening I decided to take my reports to the Commander's tent. I could've easily had a runner deliver it for me, but I was bored and enjoyed the excuse to take a walk.</p><p>     I was surprised to see the Commander actually sitting at his desk. I was beginning to think the man never stopped. </p><p>     His head was propped up against his hands, his face hidden from view. I suddenly felt very uncomfortable as if intruding on a moment he wouldn't want anyone to see.</p><p>     I cleared my thoat to alert him to my presence.  "Ah, evening Commander... just droppong off my report on the recruits this morning."</p><p>     "Leave them on the desk." He grumbled.</p><p>     I silently made my way to the desk and sat the report down gently. I was about to leave but my healing magic began to tingle in my fingertips. He must have been in pain? Or perhaps ill....</p><p>     I decided against my better judgement and said, "Commander if you're not well-"</p><p>     "I'm fine." He said brisky.</p><p>     I swallowed hard, my throat ran dry from nerves.</p><p>     "Alright, just keep in mind that I am a very capable healer."</p><p>     His fist came slamming down onto the surface of his desk with <strong><em>thud. </em></strong></p><p>     "I don't need healing or your magic, I just need to finish my work!" He roared, once the words left his mouth he winced in regret, and I suspected in pain as well,  as his hands immediately came back up to his head. </p><p>     I turned sharply on my heel feeling embarrassed and angry at his outburst. </p><p>     My thoughts wandered to the rumors of the Knight Commander of Kirkwall. Did I just get a glimpse of who he really was? </p><p>     I didn't care. He wasn't <em>my </em>Commander. My Keeper would have never spoke to me in such a manner and this man wasn't going to get away with it either. </p><p>     "If you wish to suffer because of your stubbornness then that is your choice. But do not lash out at me because I wasn't yet aware of what a stubborn bastard you are." </p><p>     His head rose enough so that eyes peered over his hands at me, slightly in shock at my heated words. </p><p>     "Herald-"</p><p>     I held up a hand to shush him. "I will see you in the morning Commander."</p><p>     I stormed out of his tent,.not turning back to see the look of regret on his face. </p><p>     </p>
  </div></div>
<a name="section0007"><h2>7. Assassin</h2></a>
<div class="story"><div class="fff_chapter_notes fff_head_notes"><b>Summary for the Chapter:</b><blockquote class="userstuff">
            <p>*trigger warning*<br/>Implied reference of rape.</p>
          </blockquote></div><div class="userstuff module">
    
    <p>    After dinner when the moon was climbing high into the night sky, I was several drinks in at the tavern Varric had asked me to. I always felt lighter after spending time with the Dwarf. We had grown closer and made one another laugh constantly. </p><p>     I stood, wobbled a bit and he reached out an arm,  "careful there Emerald, don't want you face planting in someone's soup on the way out."</p><p>     "It couldn't make it taste any worse." I said with slow, exaggerated shrug.</p><p>     Varric let out a cackle, "better not let the cook hear ya or you won't be served for a week!" </p><p>     I waved my hand dismissively,  "The Dalish know how to season their food. This soup is so bland its like water with a pinch of salt." I shuddered. </p><p>     "You sure you're good walking back to your cabin?" </p><p>     I nodded, "yes, yes. I'll be just fine. Goodnight Varric." </p><p>     He gave me a wave as he was pulling up his stool to another table. The party was just beginning for him. </p><p>     I took a deep breath once outside, inhaling the crisp, cold air. I liked the way it invigorated my senses. It was almost as nice as the sea air in the Marches. But sea air is soothing and cool, where this Fereldan air was sharp and awakening. </p><p>     The stars were shining bright, only slightly dulled by the incredibly bright moon that hung in the sky. I began walking slowly to my little cabin. Although it'd only been a few weeks, the little cabin felt oddly like home. It was warm and comfortable and somewhere I could be alone.</p><p>     I heard the crunch of footsteps behind me but didn't think anything of it. There were still a few people out and about, although not very many I began to notice. The steps sped up, I could tell they were trying to be quiet, my Elvhen ears sensitive to every subtle movement.</p><p>     My heart began to race as I picked up my own steps. I peeked over my shoulder to see a dark figure following close behind. I let my magic begin charging through veins, ready to strike. I had no staff on me or even a dagger. I quietly kicked myself for being caught unprepared. </p><p>     It was no matter,  I didn't need a staff to wield my magic, it was only the preferred method. </p><p>     I spun around quickly, holding out a hand that was covered in flames. "Move another step and you will be on fire." I warned firmly. </p><p>     The man, who I could now see grinning cruelly from behind his hood, held out his own hand. </p><p>     I immediately began to feel the painful pull of my magic as it was drained away from my body. The air in my lungs rushed out and my body collapsed into the snow. </p><p>      "<em>Templar!" </em>I managed to say in a desperate wheeze. </p><p>     "Yes <em>Templar, </em>did you really think we'd sit back while the Inquisition calls a <em>mage </em>Andraste's Herald?" He spat on the snow near where I held myself upright by my outstretched arms.</p><p>     I wanted to scream, to <em>fight, </em>but the sudden draining of my mana left me so weak, I could hardly keep myself lifted upright. </p><p>     He came towards me, pulling out a gleaming dagger. He crouched down and held it to my throat. His free hand grabbing the back of my head and gripping my hair tightly to expose even more of my throat to his blade.</p><p>     "Didn't think you'd be so pretty... maybe I outta have some fun with you first before killing you. Bet you'd like that, wouldn't you?" He slid the dagger down my throat to the space between my breasts, his hungry eyes roaming what he could see of me.</p><p>     "I'd rather die right here and now you fucking bastard." I snarled, still trying to catch my breath. </p><p>     He drew his hand back and slapped me with the backside across my face. It made me fall into the snow, but he pulled my hair at the back again to yank me upright, drew his hand back to strike me again, but this time, he didn't make contact.</p><p>     I saw a flash of red and then the sound of the man being beaten. I was a little delirious from the mana drain and being hit so hard, but I could have sworn I had seen a lion attacking the man. Finally the lion stood upright, heaving the man against the wall and holding him there with one hand, the other beating him to an unrecognizable pulp. </p><p>     There was blood splatters all over the snow and I finally realized it wasn't a lion. It was... the Commander?</p><p>     "I swear if I wasn't the Commander of this Inquisition I would kill you here and now with my bare fucking hands!" He growled as he slammed the bloodied man against the wall. "But I have to follow protocol on these things. But by the time the Nightingale is done with you, you'll probably wish I'd just killed you here and now." </p><p>     Finally,  two guards came rounding the corner and rushed to the Commander's side.</p><p>     "Take him to Sister Nightingale,  tell her he was caught attempting to assassinate the Herald." The two men nodded and quickly dragged the half conscious attacker through the snow. </p><p>     I sat, oddly calm in the snow, my legs crossed as if I were a child carefully listening to my teacher. </p><p>     "Maker, are you alright?" He dropped down to his knees in the snow and cupped my face with his gloved hands. He pulled out a handkerchief and dabbed at the small amount of blood that was on my cheek.</p><p>     "I... I feel so dizzy." I mumbled. </p><p>     His lips drew tight and his brow creased in worry. "You've never had a mana drain have you? It's a Templar spell. You'll probably have to sleep it off. Come on, I'll help you to your cabin." </p><p>     He stood and grabbed me under my arms, hoisting me to my feet. He took one of my arms and wrapped it around his shoulders, his arm on my waist. My legs felt like wet noodles and it was hard to take a deep breath. </p><p>     "I'm so sorry we didn't have better protection for you. It's an inexcusable oversight." He said lowly, his voice dark.</p><p>     "I'm sure he's the first of many would be assassins. You can't blame yourself. "</p><p>     I tried to sound light and not upset. But inside, I was shaken. What that man had suggested doing to me.... a nightmare. I was so close to that happening. My body began to shake from nerves, but the Commander assumed I was cold.</p><p>     "I'm sorry, my armor is probably freezing. " He said. </p><p>     I huffed a laugh, or tried to. "It's not that... just... Maker what's next? So much has happened I don't even know how to begin to process it." My voice quivered and I bit my bottom lip hard in frustration. I hated crying in front of others. I hated getting over emotional.</p><p>     We walked up the small steps to my door and he opened it, half carrying me through the little cabin, finally to the chair in front of the fire.</p><p>     I let out a long exhale and lay my head back against the chair.</p><p>     "I swear I am a strong person. I'm embarrassed because this is now twice that you have found me in a weak position." I said with my eyes squeezed shut.</p><p>      Cullen crouched down by the fire, warming his hands.</p><p>     "You needn't apologize. Maker you were attacked. You thought you were safe within these city walls and didn't bring a weapon with you. We failed you." He added quietly. </p><p>     "I guess we're both doomed to believe we're never going to be, or do, enough." I said with a slight smile playing on my lips. </p><p>     I opened my eyes and met his burning gaze. His eyes glowing almost as much as the fire next to him. </p><p>     "Since we're both apologizing for our short comings, I need to apologize for earlier this evening. That's actually why I was out in the first place."</p><p>     He rubbed at the back of his neck, "I... get migraines. They hit me rather hard. I can be a real ass when I have one. Forgive me." He said softly. </p><p>     My smile grew a little wider and I nodded. "Of course, I probably shouldn't have responded so defensively."</p><p>     He stood and smiled softly himself. "I need to speak with Leliana about your attacker. I will have guards posted outside your cabin all night. Sleep well knowing you are protected Herald."</p><p>     He turned and began to walk out, his scent of oakmoss and Elderflower trailing behind him. I smiled at the pleasant scent and was once again reminded about my many walks amongst the trees of the Free Marches.</p><p>     "Theo." I said softly.</p><p>     He stopped and turned, "pardon?"</p><p>     I faced him and said, "my name is Theo. Please call me by my name, at least when its just us." </p><p>     I held my breath as I studied his face, unsure of how he'd respond to such an informality. Had I crossed a line? I felt myself relax as a smirk played on his lips.</p><p>     "Alright... <em>Theo. </em>That's pretty." He added as he blushed. "If you're Theo, then I'm Cullen." He added more confidently. </p><p>    I smiled fully now and his smirk grew into a boyish grin. </p><p>     "Very well, <em>Cullen.</em> Good night."</p><p>     "Good night Theo." He said quietly as he turned and gently shut the door behind him. </p><p>     Outside, he was back to the Commander. I could hear him growling at his men, "You will all guard this fucking cabin and the Herald with your <em>bloody lives. </em>Nobody gets in here am I understood?!"</p><p>     Several "yes sirs!!" Rang out and I nuzzled myself deeper in to the oversized chair, feeling sleep take me to the fade.</p><p>     </p>
  </div></div>
<a name="section0008"><h2>8. New Friends</h2></a>
<div class="story"><div class="userstuff module">
    
    <p>     After the attempted assassination,  I refused to let myself be caught off guard again. In the wild, I would have never been so careless, so unaware of the dangers that lurked in the shadows. I had let the walls of the town give me a false sense of security.</p><p>     I trained hard every day with whoever was willing to help. I sharpened my skills with all weapons available; from staffs, swords, to bow and arrows.... anything I could get my hands on. When I wasn't practicing,  I was training the newest and freshest recruits for several hours to help relieve the Commander and Captain Rylen so they could focus on their more advanced soldiers. </p><p>     Cullen and I spoke every day, but it was typically Inquisition business. I tried to keep my mind off the man, I had more important things to worry about than romance. </p><p>     But even deeper than that, I couldn't allow myself to hope again. I had loved Endril and he had loved me... or so he said. How quickly that changed. I wasn't ready to feel that empty ache again.</p><p>   </p><hr/><p>     "The weather.... what should I expect?" I asked as I made notes of our newest destination,  which was the Storm Coast.</p><p>     Cullen chuckled as he looked down at the war table. "Fereldans  are notoriously blunt and to the point. This is true for the names of towns and places in the country. The Storm coast will be... <em>stormy." </em></p><p>     I snorted slightly,  "I was hoping for a relaxing warm beach... do those even exist in Fereldan?"</p><p>     Cassandra gave an even louder snort. "I highly doubt it."</p><p>     Leliana cut in with a cool tone, "once you've met with these mercenaries, make sure you send us word of your decision of whether to recruit them. Then head straight to Redcliffe. The journey all together will be at least a month."</p><p>     I nodded and wrote down everything they said. We were leaving in an hour and all that was left to do was finish packing for the journey.</p><p>   </p><hr/><p>     "You'll look after the Herald.... make sure to watch for signs of mana drain from rogue templars... it hits her especially hard not having been in the circle. She also tends to leave her left flank exposed from the hip up. Remind her often to protect it. Make sure she-"</p><p>     "Commander Cullen, I am not some inexperienced soldier off to act as a body guard to the Herald. I am fully aware of what I need to do and so is she." Cassandra cut in with a flat tone.</p><p>     Cullen sighed and rubbed the back of his neck. "She's going into a lot of enemy territory,  there's a target literally on her hand identifying who she is... it's worrisome. "</p><p>     Cassandra examined the circles under his eyes and the worry that glazed over his eyes. She arched a thin dark brow in contemplation. Something suddenly seemed to strike her and her expression softened.</p><p>     "Cullen, I will look after her, whether she needs it or not. You needn't worry about that. I will protect the Herald with my life."</p><p>     He dropped the hand that worried at his neck and he managed a faint smile. "Thank you Cassandra. "</p><p>     She paused, looking at him carefully once again. "Have you been resting?"</p><p>     "I try.... the nights are getting more difficult. "</p><p>     She took a deep breath and exhaled slowly. "Send a raven if you find yourself struggling too much. See the healer about herbs that can help you sleep, and perhaps curb your headaches. You mustn't forget to eat and rest. Consistency is key Commander. "</p><p>     He nodded in understanding. </p><p>     "Take care of yourself Cassandra. Maker be with you."</p><hr/><p>     Recruiting the Iron Bull and his group of mercenaries was an easy decision.  His easy going attitude and fierce fighting prowess was a welcome addition to our little band of misfits. </p><p>     He went with us on the journey to Redcliffe and there we encountered a Grey Warden named Blackwall. </p><p>     Blackwall, like Solas, was someone I wanted to connect with, but my gut screamed to stay away. I would often catch his eyes lingering on me from across the campfire. He was a good looking man, gruff and dark. But he said very little about his past and quickly changed the subject when it was brought up. </p><p>     Although both additions to our party were welcome, neither compared to the addition of Dorian.</p><p>     Beautiful,  confident, unapologetically flamboyant in his mannerisms.... I quickly latched onto him. I asked him endless questions about Tevinter and their mages and he was always willing to indulge my fascination with the foreign land.</p><p>     "Perhaps one day we can visit the Imperium my little sugar dove. I suppose we will have to wait until we are both welcome, you a half elf, and I well..... something of a pariah." He had said one night after describing the beauty and grandeur of the country.</p><p>     I bit into an apple and smiled, "wouldn't that be wonderful? First we have to close the gaping hole in the sky,  then mend thousands of years of racism, and convince the Tevinter people that you are a genius. Then we can take a proper tour of Tevinter. "</p><p>     He let out a loud hearty laugh. "Is that all? Why we should be knee deep in Tevinter silk and wine in less than a year if that's all we have to do!" </p><p>     The journey wasn't all making new acquaintances and fantasizing about vacations to exotic lands. </p><p>     We fought rogue mages and templars alike. Both sides treating us as enemies. Redcliffe was under the control of Tevinter magistrates, who were also apart of a cult obsessed with <em>me. </em>We encountered hundreds of displaced refugees,  hungry and cold, abandoned by their Chantry and leaders. It made me feel good knowing I was apart of something that was filling that void of leadership. The Inquisition was bringing hope to the people and for the first time in perhaps,  <em>ever, </em>I felt I had a purpose. </p><p>     One night, while making our way across the Hinterlands, returning from Redcliffe, a Raven flew into our camp and delivered a message. This was nothing new of course. Regular messages were sent back and forth since we'd been gone. What made me curious was that it was solely for me.</p><p>     "Herald! A letter for you." The scout had said as she bowed and extended the small, rolled up parchment. </p><p>     "Thank you" I said softly, still uncomfortable with the title everyone insisted on using. </p><p>     I went to my tent and unraveled the parchment, using a small mage light to illuminate the writing. </p><p>     <strike><em>Herald, </em></strike></p><p>
  <em>     Theo,</em>
</p><p>
  <em>     I received your report on the added members to the Inquisition. It seems you've amassed an eclectic group of individuals to accompany you. They seem very experienced and I believe will be valuable additions.</em>
</p><p>
  <em>     I wanted to update you on recruit training. The group you were working with has advanced to the next level of training. Your help was appreciated and extremely needed. </em>
</p><p>
  <em>    <strike>How has your journey been thus far?</strike> I hope your journey has gone according to plan and that you've encountered minimal attacks. I've no doubt you can handle yourself on the field. Remember to protect your left side when... well I'm sure you know. </em>
</p><p>
  <em>     It's been much quieter with you gone. Not that you are loud or even talk a lot.... your absence is strongly felt. By everyone. I- we, look forward to your safe return.</em>
</p><p>
  <em>     P.S.</em>
</p><p>
  <em>You have spoiled my horse and now he expects carrots every morning.</em>
</p><p>
  <em>     -Cullen</em>
</p><p> </p><p>I read the letter several times, each time my smile growing wider. <em>He wrote me. </em>I thought again and again. I felt the familiar flutter of nerves and excitement in my belly. Then Endril's face flashed across my mind as a bitter reminder of how easily the attention and affections given to you can shift to another.</p><p>     I hardly knew anything about the Commander. He was incredibly handsome. Perhaps he strung women along everywhere he went simply because he could. I imagined different beautiful women, all thinking that they were the special girl that held his heart, not knowing about the many others that he made feel just as special. I squirmed uncomfortably in my bedroll. </p><p>     I decided to be cautious. To be on guard not just physically,  but also emotionally.  But as I drifted to sleep,  I thought of his letter, and fell asleep with a smile.</p><p>
  
</p><p>     </p><p>     </p>
  </div></div>
<a name="section0009"><h2>9. Red</h2></a>
<div class="story"><div class="userstuff module">
    
    <p>     Cassandra's red eyes stared back at me flatly, the fire that had once burned brightly in her all but extinguished. </p><p>     Somehow,  Dorian and I had been thrown a year into the future by Alexius. Now future Cassandra, exuding red lyrium, was telling me the horrors that befell the world in my absence. </p><p>     "They moved quickly after your vanishing. Empress Celene was assassinated plunging the country into chaos. Josephine went to Orlais for peace talks and to plead with Orlesian leaders to focus on the Elder One and the massive rift above Haven. Before she reached Halamshiral, her convoy was attacked and she was killed."</p><p>     A massive demon army emerged soon after,  under the Elder One's command, annihilating everything in it's path. The rift grew in size and demons were everywhere. "</p><p>     I felt nausea blooming in my stomach. Dorian listened and only a subtle flinch indicated that he was upset at what she was telling us. </p><p>     "I was captured,  along with Leliana,  during the final stand of the Inquisition army at the walls of Redcliffe castle."</p><p>     My mouth had went dry and the air felt heavy in the dark room of cells. Solas stood next to Cassandra, also illuminated in red.</p><p>     "This is what happened without your mark." He simply said. </p><p>     "My clan?" I managed to rasp out.</p><p>     Cassandra paused for a moment, then said softly, "they were targeted shortly after your disappearance. Wiped out by the Venatori."</p><p>     My body shook violently. </p><p>     In a soft voice, barely above a whisper I asked the question that had been clawing at my mind as soon as I  found Cassandra. </p><p>     "Where is the Commander? We need to find him."</p><p>     Solas only stared back somewhat sympathetically. Cassandra bowed her head and her shoulders had a slight tremble. </p><p>     "Where is Cullen?" I asked louder my eyes searching the other cells around me.</p><p>     "He- he led the final charge. He did not plan to survive it. None of us did. He died a warrior's death. It took several demons and Venatori to end him." Cassandra finally said as she lifted her head and stared back at me with softness. </p><p>     Everything came to a still. My body stopped shaking, my thoughts stopped racing. For a moment, I thought even my heart had stopped beating. My clan, Josephine, the Inquisition,  everyone. <em>Cullen. </em>He shouldn't have been what made me most upset, but it was his face I kept picturing on the battle field, swinging his sword unwaveringly, inspiring the men and women around him to keep fighting. </p><p>     Dorian finally cleared his throat and spoke. "This can all be avoided. I know how to get us back to our time and stop this madness before it can begin."</p><p>     A tiny spark ignited in Cassandra's eyes and Solas perked his long slender ears in curiosity. </p><p>     "Whatever you need us to do, we will do it. Just stop this from ever happening." Cassandra said with a fierce determination in her voice. </p><p>     "We will. Then I will close that blasted rift and then hunt this Elder One to the ends of Thedas if I have to." I growled through gritted teeth. </p><hr/><p>     We returned to Haven triumphant. Back to our time, having stopped Alexius, and recruiting the mages to our cause. Cassandra wasn't thrilled with my decision to offer them a partnership, but she conceded that we needed their abilities to close the rift. </p><p>     My nightmares had increased since that red, dark future.</p><p>     The face of my mother, suspended in air, red. </p><p>     My clan, slain, their blood everywhere,  red. </p><p>     Josephine facedown in a pool of her own red blood.</p><p>     The torn, matted mantle of the Commander, bared across the battlefied, red. </p><p>     As soon as I closed my eyes the crimson shade invaded my thoughts and it was suffocating. How did I, some half blooded Dalish mage, become the key to the survival of Thedas? I wanted purpose, but certainly not this. Did the Creators wish to scorn me? To give me this burden because I was ungrateful to my clan and what they offered me? </p><p>     I was hardly sleeping, and we were all exhausted from our journey. We had moved swiftly back to Haven to help prepare for the arrival of the mages. In just a few days, hundreds of men, women, and children would flood Haven, and it was already bursting at the seams. </p><p>     I half stumbled into the chantry after a runner met us at the gates to direct us to the war room 'at once'. </p><p>     Cassandra grumbled under her breath, "and exactly what king or queen is here to give us such orders?" </p><p>     Solas simply inclined his head and walked back to his cabin. Dorian gave me a sympathetic look. "Let's get this over with and then you can rest my sugar dove." </p><p>     I nodded, not having the energy to generate a smile or even a friendly shrug.</p><p>     I wearily made my way into the chantry hall and was greeted by the other Inquisition leaders. </p><p>     I looked up to Cullen expecting to see a welcoming face, but instead, he was scowling and his eyes were hard.</p><p>     "You recruited the mages without any supervision? Hundreds of mages near that thing-" He flung his arm in the direction of the rift, "with no damned supervision?! Do you have any idea how <em>dangerous </em>this can be?! We've no idea how that rift will affect the odds of possession and now we have no way of preventing it!" </p><p>     I stood in shock. Then shock turned to anger. </p><p>     I jabbed a finger into his hard armored chest. "How fucking dare you! I saw what will happen if we fail and you're concerned about a <em>possible </em>possession? We already have mages here! And guess what Commander? They're fine! I was sent to recruit the mages to help us and I. Got. The. Fucking. Job. Done." </p><p>     I was shaking and my eyes were wild. Black smoke was rolling off my fingers, fire threatning to explode from their tips. Cullen's eyes widened as he glanced down at my hands and he took an involuntary step back. </p><p>     "The Herald is right." Cassandra interjected firmly. "I share your concerns Commander,  but the Herald succeeded in what <em>we </em>sent her to do."</p><p>     Cullen's jaw clenched but his gaze softened.</p><p>Josephine,  wide eyed, finally spoke up in a cheerful,  upbeat voice. "Perhaps we should continue our plans in the war room yes?" Her eyes darting between myself and the Commander. My eyes never left his face, but his were now peering awkwardly around the room.</p><p>     Cassandra cleared her throat in an obvious attempt to convey a message to him. He seemed to understand and rubbed at his neck as he said to me in a much gentler tone,</p><p>     "uh, yes, we should discuss strategy.  Herald, won't you join us? You're the reason we're all here after all." He added the last line almost warmly, but I was not ready to move on to friendliness so quickly.</p><p>     I stormed past him and refused to look at him for the duration of our meeting. </p><p>     Once the meeting was over, and the plan for sealing the rift was laid out, the others began filing out of the room. </p><p>     "Herald, a moment please. " Cullen said to me before I could turn and leave. Leliana looked between us and then closed the war room door, leaving me alone with the Commander. </p><p>     "Make this quick Commander,  I am very tired." I said with a sigh.</p><p>     He shuffled from foot to foot, all the fire and anger from earlier gone.</p><p>     "I owe you an apology. Again. Maker I am an ass. I have a... complicated history with mages.... I let old habits take over. Habits and prejudices that I am trying to leave behind. I will do better." He said, straightening himself and looking determined as he met my gaze.</p><p>     I stood for a moment, wanting to remain angry. Perhaps if I could stay angry, all silly thoughts about the handsome Commander and his sweet letters and conversations would vanish. But I couldn't maintain my rage. Not when I looked into his honeyed eyes that peered back at me, pleading with me to forgive him.</p><p>     "I am Dalish Cullen. I know I don't really look it..." I worried my hands together,  "but I am. The Dalish have long fought against oppression. The idea of me <em>forcing </em>anyone to work for our cause... I could never." I whispered. </p><p>     He pinched the bridge of nose and squeezed his eyes shut. He groaned in realization. "Maker that hadn't occured to me. I swear I will do better Theo. Would you be so gracious as to let me try again? To..... be a friend?"</p><p>     I found the corners of my mouth rising. "Alright. Another try then. Does this mean more letters when I'm out in the field?"</p><p>     He blushed, "ah, well, if you'd like... I wasn't sure.... you-you didn't write back." He added with a mumble and turning five shades of red.</p><p>     My brows raised in amusement. "I'm sorry... I meant no offense." I huffed a small laugh. "I received your letter the night before Redcliffe....and then, well... I'm sure you read my reports. "</p><p>     His face now scrunched in worry. "Indeed. What you and Dorian went through... it sounded terrible."</p><p>     I bit at my lip and felt the familiar rise of panic in my chest, constricting my breath. </p><p>     "Yes, well, perhaps I will someday tell you all of it. For now, I need to get some rest."</p><p>     "Of course! Yes, please,  go relax!" He took three long strides and held open the war room door for me. </p><p>     I smiled softly, "have a good evening Cullen."</p><p>     "You as well Theo."</p><p>     </p>
  </div></div>
<a name="section0010"><h2>10. Apart</h2></a>
<div class="story"><div class="fff_chapter_notes fff_head_notes"><b>Summary for the Chapter:</b><blockquote class="userstuff">
            <p>A little more backstory....</p>
          </blockquote></div><div class="userstuff module">
    
    <p>     <em>I spun my staff overhead and wheeled around my body. The sharp blade at the end slicing through the air.  There was no doubt that I was far more skilled than the others in the art of combat. As it was well known that my magic was far stronger as well. </em></p><p>
  <em>     It was around my 19th winter. I had no family to help, my chores were my own. I assisted my clan when needed,  but most of my time was dedicated to perfecting my skills. When most of the people my age were helping their siblings with their studies or chores, I was training. After several years of this, my level of abilities far surpassed the others at my age.</em>
</p><p>
  <em>     Today was important. A standout apprentice of combat would be selected to join the ranks of the Guardians. These were the best weapons and magic users in the clan, trusted to watch and protect.  It had been my goal to be selected. As a half-blood, I had no chance of being selected as my Keeper's First, despite being the most powerful and controlled mage. The council was opposed despite my Keeper being open to the idea. </em>
</p><p>
  <em>     Becoming a clan Guardian was what I set my sights on. What I had risen from my bedroll before the sunrise everyday to practice for. It was my future.</em>
</p><p>
  <em>     I stood, chest heaving, my staff sheathed against my back once again. A look of triumph on my face as I took in the looks of awe and envy from my peers. They knew I was the best. The Head Gaurdian frowned as he looked upon me, and without warning, spun on his heel and marched straight to my Keeper's tent. </em>
</p><p>
  <em>     I was confused as my heart sank and my cheeks turned red. He'd given remarks and feedback to every apprentice but me. Surely he knew I had been the best? Surely he wouldn't pass me over because of my father? </em>
</p><p>
  <em>     All of us finally sat down in the spots where we had stood and waited for the Head Guardian to emerge.</em>
</p><p>
  <em>     At least an hour went by when he finally exited, with the Keeper by his side. Her face sullen and her eyes angry. Myself and my peers stood to attention as they approached.</em>
</p><p>
  <em>     The Head Guardian looked at our Keeper and then back to us. He cleared his throat, clasped his hands behind his back and straightened his back. </em>
</p><p>
  <em>     "After much deliberation,  we have come to a rather untraditional conclusion. "</em>
</p><p>
  <em>     My heart thudded loudly against my chest. This was it. I was selected. It was untraditional because I was only half elf, but they couldn't overlook my advanced skill level.</em>
</p><p>
  <em>     "We will be taking two of you. Delinitis, you will be our official newest recruit into the Guardians of Clan Levellan."</em>
</p><p>
  <em>     My mouth fell agape and my eyes stung with hot tears that I refused to let fall. </em>
</p><p>
  <em>     "With that said, Theo, you will also be apart of the Guardians, but you will not be given the sacred title of Guardian."</em>
</p><p>
  <em>     The Keeper's mouth pressed into a firm line as she listened to the Head Guardian. I shook my head in confusion. </em>
</p><p>
  <em>     "I-I don't understand.... everyone is given the same title... how can I be apart of the Guardians but not actually <strong>be </strong>a Guardian?!" I asked exasperated and my voice rising. </em>
</p><p>
  <em>     My Keeper now spoke up, "You, Theo, should be the official new Guardian.  But due to your..... heritage, the Head Guardian felt it would break tradition for you to be given the sacred title. However, I felt you deserved to be apart of the Guardians, this was a compromise. "</em>
</p><p>
  <em>     And there it was. The common thread woven in my life. Included, but always apart. Accepted but always seperate. </em>
</p><p>
  <em>     "I have worked harder than anyone here. I deserve that title." I said, squaring my shoulders and meeting the Head Guardians eyes. </em>
</p><p>
  <em>     He bristled and scoffed, "you are privileged to even be here, to be apart of this clan! You have the audacity to demand sacred titles? After what your mother went through for <strong>you-" </strong></em>
</p><p>
  <em><strong>     "Enough." </strong>Keeper Deshanna commanded, silencing us both. </em>
</p><p>
  <em>     She turned her more gentle gaze upon me, "Theo, I will speak to you in private."</em>
</p><p>
  <em>     She turned and walked back towards her tent, I followed with the tears finally spilling down my cheeks. </em>
</p><p> </p>
  </div></div>
<a name="section0011"><h2>11. Ride</h2></a>
<div class="story"><div class="userstuff module">
    
    <p>     "Ah Herald, thank you for joining us" Josephine said in her charming voice. I entered the war room and gave a quick smile and nod.</p><p>     "I thought I was done with meetings for the day, did something happen?" I asked, almost fearing the answer. What could it be this time? Another hole in the sky? Dragons falling out of it instead of demons to switch things up a bit? </p><p>     Josephine gave a reassuring grin as she shook her head. "Everything is perfectly fine, aside from the obvious situation we are all in. We received a letter from your Keeper. It seems your clan is worried that you are being held against your will. Theo, I had no idea your Keeper was also your aunt."</p><p>     I swallowed hard, and began nervously biting at my lip. A nervous habit that Leliana immediately took note of. I didn't want my family and past being brought up. Questions were difficult. No. Answering questions,  <em>that </em>was difficult. </p><p>     "I am. She was my mother's sister." I said softly. The room grew quiet and still. I glanced up and across the war table and I was met with Cullen's amber gaze. He gave me a small, discreet smile. Just the faintest upturn of one side of his scarred lips. </p><p>     "I suppose I didn't think to write her. I should have known word of what happened would have reached my clan by now." I sighed and took the letter from Josephine.</p><p>     She stared at me with her wide eyes curiously,  waiting, likely <em>hoping,  </em>I would say more. Leliana remained half shadowed behind her hood, but her blue eyes peered out, almost glowing like a cat. </p><p>     Cassandra cleared her throat and broke the awkward quiet.</p><p>     "Well, I suppose you should write her back right away. She must be worried." </p><p>     I nodded, "yes it seems my friend Meridan has also added a bit to this letter." I said with a smile as I recognized the loopy script of my dearest friend. </p><p>     "If we are successful in closing the rift, will you be returning to your clan?" Leliana asked in questioning tone. </p><p>     "Ahh... well... I'm not entirely sure." I said with a shrug. The truth was, probably not. I didn't have any reason to return anytime soon. Yet, I didn't feel the need to explain details. Besides, the less I talked, the better. Leliana could learn so much with so little material to work with.</p><p>     "Will you be visiting your father?" Josephine asked cheerfully,  too cheerfully. She was trying to act nonchalant but I knew better. </p><p>     "I told you, I don't know my father." I said through gritted teeth.</p><p>     "Do you want help finding him?" Leliana asked with flat expression. </p><p>     "No!" I said louder than I'd meant. </p><p>     "Herald, if there is something about your past we should know, it is better to-"</p><p>     "It isn't anything you need to know." I said firmly.</p><p>     "Perhaps we should move o-" Cullen began but was immediately cut off by Leliana. </p><p>     "Herald, why would you not want to meet your father? After all, you've lost your mother, you have no siblings,  perhaps you have more family on your father's side?"</p><p>     My hands were trembling and I felt the familiar tightening of my chest. My breathing became shallow and my hands clenched my Keeper's letter tightly, crumbling the parchment. </p><p>     Cullen looked on, concern across his face. "If she doesn't want to talk about it, then leave her be." He said sternly his eyes flashing with anger.</p><p>    Leliana pushed harder, her voice icy and sharp. "We need to know exactly what your story is Herald. The Keeper is your aunt? Rather important position she holds is it not? Why would not tell us? Is your father someone we should know about? Perhaps a Duke or Bann?" </p><p>     "My father was a bastard bandit who raped my mother when he found her walking in the woods! Then after he raped her he murdered her best friend for trying to stop him! He's a fucking <em>monster! </em>I screamed as my fist slammed hard onto the war room table. My body shook with rage and fear. My mother's hollow eyes staring back at me. I had never seen them any other way. </p><p>     The room came to complete stand still. The only sound was my loud, shallow breathing. My mind filling with images of my mother. That night.... I clutched my emerald necklace as she must have clutched the rope she took with her....</p><p>     "Theo!" I snapped my gaze up and realized Cullen was now directly in front of me, hands on my shoulders, shaking me to snap me out of my trance.</p><p>     I looked around the war room and saw the shocked, wide eyed faces of everyone in the room. Well, except for Leliana,  her face was schooled and no expression present.</p><p>     "That's enough bloody questions!" He growled at Josephine and Leliana. </p><p>     "I agree." Cassandra added firmly as she crossed her arms sternly across her chest. </p><p>     Josephine's eyes became wet with regret. "Andraste forgive me, Herald my deepest apologies.... I, I shouldn't have pushed."</p><p>     Leliana stood quietly for a moment then said softly, "no more questions Herald. Forgive the intrusion." </p><p>     I blinked, still feeling somewhat dazed and now emotionally drained. I turned to walk out of the war room and Cullen in a low voice asked, "Herald.... are you alright?" </p><p>     I paused at the door and didn't turn around. My head hung low as I stared at my own boots. "No... but when has that ever mattered?" I muttered, my voice hollow and defeated. I pulled open the large door and quickly made my way out of the room. </p><hr/><p>     I stayed to myself for the next two days. Writing my Keeper had proved to be more difficult than I'd anticipated. There was so much to say, so much had happened. I included a quick hello to Meridan and sent the letter by Raven. At least they wouldn't have reason to think I was being held captive. </p><p>     I didn't attend the war room meetings during this time as I couldn't face seeing the others yet. I felt shame and embarrassment although I couldn't pinpoint why. The only people I spoke with were Dorian and Varric. Both brought me copious amounts of wine and whiskey. I told them what had happened and when I finally looked up at them, their faces were sympathetic and kind. I wasn't used to that kind of reaction. My clan had always looked upon me with an air of contempt. </p><p>     "Sorry 'bout that Emerald. The spymaster can be ruthless. But you've got nothing to be ashamed about." Varric said.</p><p>     "Absolutely nothing my little sugar dove. You are the same gorgeous creature you've always been." Dorian added with a grin and a hand flippantly waving in the air. They quickly changed the subject to something more light hearted and I was grateful for their company. </p><p>     On the third day, I finally snuck out with my bag of carrots for the horses. The cold morning air felt refreshing against my skin as I walked leisurely to the stables. Haven was quiet, most were still asleep or just beginning to rise.</p><p>     I was relieved to see nobody was in the training grounds and that the area was empty. As I approached the stables, I heard a low, soothing voice from behind one of the horses. I stopped in my tracks and froze. I thought about turning and making a quiet escape but he'd already heard my approach as my boots softly crunched against the snow. <em>Damned Shem shoes. If I'd been barefoot he'd never would have heard me. </em>I thought to myself.</p><p>     His head peered out from behind the horse's long neck and mane. "Theo! Good- good morning, I was hoping.... I'd hoped to see you." He said falling over his words as he stepped out completely so that he stood in front of me. </p><p>     I pulled a carrot from my bag and began feeding the horse he stood next to.</p><p>     "Yes, well I figured the horses would revolt if I didn't give them their treats." I said with a forced smirk.</p><p>     "Would you care to ride?"He asked with a slight blush. He asked in a rush manner, as if afraid he wouldn't get the words out unless he let them spill out quickly. </p><p>     I paused for a moment as the horse nibbled away at the carrot still in my hand. </p><p>     "Do we have to talk about what happened?" I asked softly, not meeting his gaze, my eyes firmly on the horse in front of me. </p><p>     "Maker <em>no." </em>He said with an exasperated huff. "I promise." He added lowly. </p><p>     I smiled softly, "alright, let's go Commander. "</p><hr/><p>     We rode out of Haven and into the snow covered forest surrounding the small town. The evergreen trees  rich in color and accented by the brilliant white snow that was layered upon their branches.  The massive Frostbacks shooting into the Heavens was a breath taking backdrop to an already beautiful landscape. </p><p>     We rode for at least an hour, in silence. Blissful,  comfortable silence. Cullen riding alongside me, just a head away further. Neither of us wanting to break the spell that had been cast upon us by the forest. The Commander seemed the most at ease I'd seen him. His shoulders were dropped and relaxed, although his straight posture never waivered. His face wasn't frowning or scowling, and there was a softness and youthfulness to it, and it made me wonder what he would have been like had he not been a military man.</p><p>     It was Cullen that finally broke the silence. "Had you ever seen snow before coming to Haven?" He asked in a casual tone.</p><p>     "No actually. I was quite shocked at how cold it  was." I said in a huffed laugh. "But Creators... it is beautiful. " I added. </p><p>     He hummed in agreement. "Fereldan is as rugged and harsh as it is beautiful and majestic."</p><p>     "Much like someone I know." I blurted out and immediately felt my face and chest heat with embarrassment. </p><p>     Cullen chuckled lowly and my heart quickened. "I don't know if I'd call Varric majestic." He said with a wink and I couldn't help but sputter and laugh loudly. "On the contrary Commander,  have you seen the dwarf's chest hair?"</p><p>     "Ugh, Maker more than I'd care to admit." He grumbled. I began laughing again and his eyes crinkled with mirth as he grinned.</p><p>     "The Free Marches... it is far warmer and comfortable. " He remarked as he slowed his horse down so that he was in perfect stride with mine.</p><p>     "Yes... I was near the sea most of the time. The sea is.... special to me. It is dangerous and unpredictable as it is alluring and magnificent." I said with a wistful sigh.</p><p>     "Much like someone I know..." Cullen replied lowly with a boyish grin and a blush on his cheeks. </p><p>     I felt my breath catch in my throat and I bit my lip to keep the smile on my face from growing to an embarrassing size. </p><p>     We rode on quietly for some time when I realized we were making our way back to Haven. </p><p>     "I hadn't realized we made a circle." I remarked.</p><p>     Cullen arched a brow and playfully asked, "I thought Elves were naturally good with directions?"</p><p>     I rolled my eyes and chuckled. "I suppose it's the human blood that's ruining that bit for me." I replied as I stuck my nose in the air with feigned arrogance. </p><p>     Cullen chuckled, "despite your terrible sense of direction,  I am grateful you accompanied me this morning. I-" he began rubbing the back of his neck awkwardly. "I- enjoy our time together. " He murmured as his eyes finally locked with mine. Creators he was handsome. </p><p>     "As do I." I said quietly, breathless as I looked into his beautiful honeyed eyes. </p><p>     He gave a lopsided grin and then dismounted., offering his hand out to help me down. I certainly didn't need help- I was an expert rider, even if I was more accustomed to Halla than horse. But I accepted his hand without hesitation. It was warm and firm despite the soft leather gloves he wore. It dwarfed my own and I remembered just how much larger he was than mysef. </p><p>     "Thank you Cullen. I needed this." I said barely above a whisper.</p><p>     He nodded, "I needed it too." He admitted. He turned to look at the training grounds which was beginning to fill with recruits. </p><p>     "To work?" He asked.</p><p>     "To work Commander. " I said confidently. </p><p>     We parted ways and as I walked back to the city gates, my heart felt lighter than it had in days. </p><p>     </p><p>     </p><p>   </p>
  </div></div>
<a name="section0012"><h2>12. Goodbye in the Chantry</h2></a>
<div class="story"><div class="userstuff module">
    
    <p>     We'd finally done it.</p><p>   The breach was closed and I'd actually survived it. In fact, nobody lost their lives in the process and it seemed too good to be true. Josephine had planned a massive celebration for our victory and I tried to relax and enjoy the festivities. </p><p>     Varric and Sera had cracked open another barrel of ale to the cheers of the townsfolk and soldiers. The mages mingled in the crowd and everyone seemed to not think anything of it. The Iron Bull and his Chargers had their own barrel they were working on and they were, as usual, the rowdiest of the crowd. People were laughing, cheering, singing.... </p><p>     And I was standing near the chantry landing watching it all unfold. Cassandra had spoken with me for a moment to offer congratulations. Leliana did as well. Dorian spent some time with me bringing a glass of wine to toast our victory. It all felt surreal. Where would I go now? Should I stay with the Inquisition? Return to my clan? My path was not clear nor was my purpose. </p><p>     A deep voice cleared his throat behind me and I knew instantly who it was. </p><p>     Without turning around I said warmly, "Hello Cullen. Are you avoiding the crowd too?"</p><p>     He came to stand next to me and I could sense the smile playing on his lips. </p><p>     "How did you know?" He said as he crossed his arms.</p><p>     I huffed a laugh and then sighed. "It's really over isn't it? It still feels..... odd."</p><p>     I turned my head to see his prominent profile. His jawline distinct and chiseled and his cheekbones high and sculpted.  He nodded in agreement and then turned his head to meet my gaze.</p><p>     "I know what you mean. It's like turning a corner in a dark alley.... you're just waiting for something to pop out at you."</p><p>     "Exactly." I said. </p><p>     He shuffled his boots in the snow and I knew he was about to ask something that made him nervous. </p><p>     "Do you..... know what your plans are now? Will you be leaving?" He asked softly.</p><p>     I arched a brow at him and in feigned offense I replied,  "do you want me to leave?"</p><p>     "Maker, no! I would love for you to stay, ah, that is, if you want to stay..." he rubbed at the back of his neck and looked away.</p><p>     "I was actually just thinking of my next move. Returning to my clan doesn't make sense. I could stay with Inquisition.... I'm just not sure in what capacity I'd serve. What would be my purpose here?"</p><p>     "Your presence is purpose enough. You bring hope to the people.  You are generous and kind, intelligent.... you are a welcomed addition to the Inquisition. " He was facing me now and his expression was genuine and his voice confident. His kind words brought a soft smile to my face and I suddenly felt reassured that, yes, the Inquisition was my path. And for now, my home. And perhaps now that the breach was closed, Cullen and I could-</p><p>     My thoughts were interrupted by a frantic ringing of Haven's bells and my heart dropped.</p><hr/><p>     We were all in the Chantry. The Red Templar army was quickly approaching and a dragon was circling the mountainside. Cullen's former Templar acquaintance was commanding the army of "The Elder One." And a strange pale boy was tending to the wounded Chancellor Roderick. </p><p>     The Inquisition leaders had been arguing amongst themselves on what to do, but now they all seemed to fall into despair. Josephine was in tears, her hands visibly shaking. Leliana had grown silent and here head was bowed in silent prayer. Cassandra and Cullen were still throwing out ideas but no matter what they thought of, it meant most of the town dying. </p><p>     "He wants to say something. " Cole whispered, appearing beside me from thin air. For some reason, I knew who he spoke of and looked to the man who had antagonized me and the Inquisition since my arrival. </p><p>     "What is it Chancellor?" I asked, my usual sharpness in tone gone. I was too distraught for pettiness. </p><p>     "There is a path.... only a few of us know it. To be the only one here who knows of it.... it must be the Maker's will." He wheezed. Cullen and Cassandra overheard along with Dorian, and they all three turned to listen to the dying man.</p><p>     "Beneath the Chantry, through the cellars.... there is path that leads directly into a mountain crevass. It is safe to camp and hide in. The people could.... go there...." he began coughing and small drops of blood splattered from his lips. </p><p>     "It wouldn't be long until that army, or fucking dragon, found us hiding in the mountains." Cullen muttered,  seeming to dismiss the idea. Cassandra pursed her lips together and then said,  "you mentioned using the trebuchet again to cause an avalanche,  burying the enemy....."</p><p>     Cullen stared at her for a moment before understanding. "That would require someone staying behind, causing a diversion while the people escape."</p><p>     Everyone grew quiet for several moments. Cullen finally said solemnly,  "I will go. Send a burning arrow into the sky when you've all made it to safety. Then I will bring down the bloody mountain. " </p><p>     <em>No no no no </em>my thoughts became panicked and my heart raced at the thought of Cullen dying under the massive wave of snow that would crash down upon Haven. </p><p>     The pale boy shook his head, "he won't stop the attack for you. There's only one person he wants. One thing. She is the only distraction that will work."</p><p>     Cullen scowled and his eyes flashed with anger, "who are you speaking of?"  But we all knew who Cole was referring to. </p><p>     "Me." I said softly. Swallowing hard and forcing myself to meet Cullen's honeyed eyes I repeated more forcefully,  "he wants me. It's why they've come." </p><p>     Cole nodded, "you took his mark and then his mages."</p><p>     "I don't care what he thinks she took she's not going out there!" Cullen roared making everyone take a step back. </p><p>     "It's the only way...." Cole replied. He peered up at Cullen and then added, "it hurts you. I want to stay, it shouldn't be her, she deserves more. Happiness... love.... it has to be me. I will stay."</p><p>     Cullen took a sharp breath at the intrusion of his thoughts but before he could rage against the boy I stepped in. I stood in front of him and placed my hand on his forearm. The gesture stopping the storm that was raging in him. </p><p>     I took a shaking breath as I struggled to form the words. I didn't want to die. But I knew everyone else would die if I didn't stay.</p><p>     "I came here to find my purpose. My path. If my purpose means saving all these people...." I looked around the room and took in all the lives that my actions could save. "If I could save these people, then my purpose is far greater than I ever imagined." Tears were forming in my eyes and tears in Cullen's eyes quickly followed. </p><p>     In a low voice, barely above a whisper, he said, "I don't want to leave you behind. Please...." His wet eyes  searched mine, pleading and pained. </p><p>     "You are not leaving me behind. I am choosing to stay." I said, sounding, and even feeling, more sure of my decision. </p><p>     I turned and said a quick goodbye to everyone surrounding me, and everyone grew grim and quiet as they understood what it was that I was about to do.</p><p>     I turned one more time to Cullen and said, "thank you Cullen for.... being you." I gave him a small smile and he reached out to grab my hand. He gripped it firmly and for a moment I thought he'd drag me with him up the mountain. </p><p>     "Perhaps you will find a way? Surprise it? I will search for you. This may not be the end.... I will find you Theo."</p><p>     I nodded and gave his hand a squeeze before letting him go. </p><p>     I turned to the heavy Chantry doors and steadied myself. </p><p>     "Bless you Herald!" "Andraste be with you!" The people shouted and prayed as I opened the doors. I glanced over my shoulder to see Cullen mouthing the words, "Andraste be with you." </p><p>     I gave one last small smile and walked through the doors, sealing them behind me.</p>
  </div></div>
<a name="section0013"><h2>13. Near Death</h2></a>
<div class="story"><div class="userstuff module">
    
    <p>     Running through a burning and empty Haven, I tried not think of anything other than reaching the trebuchet and unleashing the mountainside. If my mind began to stray and think of what would likely happen in just a few moments.... would it hurt? Would I suffer?</p><p>     <em>Stop. Get to the trebuchet. It's all that matters now. </em></p><p>Once there, I encountered incoming red templars and the sight of them sickened me. Red lyrium shards protuding out of their bodies, eyes glowing red just as Cassandra and Solas had in the red future. Some were no longer recognizably human. </p><p>     I fought hard. When my mana would drain I'd use the blade of my staff and a long sword to fight off my attackers. I kicked,  punched, elbowed,  anything to survive.</p><p>     My mana would replenish and I'd set fire to whoever surrounded me. I force pushed the smaller Templars so hard they lost consciousness. I brought down lightning and struck them where they stood. I was a mighty force.  I had always been skilled and powerful,  but this was another level. Was it my mark? Was it the fact that I knew I was about to die and I had to finish this one last mission?</p><p>     Any feeling of invincibility came crashing down when the massive black dragon landed in front of me and I came face to face with Elder One. </p><p>     He was shockingly grotesque. Rotting, disformed,  massive in size..... his voice gravely and deep.</p><p>     He began rambling about being a god and restoring Tevinter. All I could do was think of how much Dorian would have loved to hear this rubbish for himself. I still hadn't seen the flaming arrow to signal their safety and I felt my time running out. </p><p>    I asked questions to keep this "Corypheus " talking and he obliged. But his patience was wearing thin. </p><p>     Finally,  I saw it. An arrow blazing against the night sky, illuminating the snow white mountain it came from. </p><p>     <em>This is it. Why I'm here. I have to finish it. </em></p><p>I saw the faces of everyone I'd loved. My mother, the man I thought I'd spend forever with,  my Keeper, my friends... then I saw the faces of the Inquisition. Dorian and Varric bringing tears to my eyes. But my throat tightened when Cullen's flashed across. His warm eyes that had shone so kindly upon me. </p><p>     Corypheus was still babbling and without any announcement,  I pulled the lever of the trebuchet. The large boulder flew into the air and I didn't look to see if it landed. I felt the wings of the dragon as it flew away with Corypheus and I heard the distant rumble of snow barreling down the mountain. </p><p>     Then I saw her. Bathed in a shade of Emerald, she stood looking at me as she pointed down below her. Her mouth didn't move but I could her voice in my head. </p><p>     "<em>The mineshaft."</em></p><p>       "Mamae?" I said in a rush of air. Was I already dead? </p><p>     "<em>Hurry! "</em></p><p>The urgency in her voice snapped me out of my stupor and I realized what she was telling me. I ran, full sprint to where she stood, the roar of the mountainside baring down on Haven was deafening. The ground began to tremble and shake and I reached out my marked hand and force pushed the boards that covered the entrance of the mine shaft. I didn't hesitate to throw myself in.</p><p>     As I fell, I saw my mother staring down at me,  her wide eyes never leaving mine. Then, everything went black.</p><hr/><p>     I woke hearing someone crying. No, <em>sobbing </em>in agony. Creator's why isn't someone helping that poor soul? As I turned to get to my feet, I realized the cries were my own. </p><p>     I almost collapsed back onto the icy ground but in an act of self defense, I stopped my legs from buckling so I wouldn't jostle my side anymore than I already had. It felt as if my ribs were slowly being pulled away from my body one by one. A burn and sharp pain coursed through my arm and I realized it was broken when I examined it. The mine shaft was dark but I could see a very faint light and I began walking to it.  </p><p>     When I emerged, I was surrounded by the mighty Frostback mountains. Snow was falling and it was almost impossible to see. </p><p>     I wanted to give up. To turn around and die in that mine. I hurt too much to go on. Besides, where would I go?</p><p>     <em>"This way" </em>I heard my mother's voice again and the snow seemed to part where she wanted me to go. I knew I had to keep going. My mother was helping me. I couldn't let her down again. Step by small agonizing step, I made my way deeper into the mountains.</p><hr/><p>     I wasn't sure how much time had passed or where I was or even why anymore.</p><p>     My body no longer hurt and for that I was grateful. But I knew,  somewhere in a part of my mind that was rooted in reality,  I knew that I was freezing to death. It wasn't so bad. Not anymore. Now, I was just so, so, sleepy. I knew this was the worst thing I could do for my survival and that small little part of me propelled me forward. </p><p>     But even that will of instinct grew quiet and all that surrounded me seemed to grow still. I didn't feel the impact of falling to the snow covered ground, nor did I feel the cold as my body lay across the ice. </p><p>     I was faintly aware of a voice, far away.... then closer. Then next to my ear.</p><p>     "<em>Thank the Maker." </em></p><p>My body seemed to lift, weightless into the air and I felt a tickle on my cheek, like a fur was rubbing my skin. </p><p>     <em>"Please hang on Theo. You can't leave us now. Not after all of this. Don't leave me now. Maker keep her alive." </em></p><p> I didn't have the strength to open my eyes or speak. But I felt a sense of warmth and relief when a single word formed in my hazy mind.</p><p>     <em>Cullen. </em></p><p> </p>
  </div></div>
<a name="section0014"><h2>14. Prayers and Smirks</h2></a>
<div class="story"><div class="userstuff module">
    
    <p>     "She's freezing. Her body feels like ice."</p><p>     "I <em>know </em>just get every healer you can in here <em>now."</em></p><p><em>     "</em>Out of my way, where is she? Maker she is <em>freezing!</em> I'll heat the tent and I'll have no objections!"</p><p>     "Nobody is objecting Dorian, Maker,  do what you have to keep her alive!"</p><p>     The voices were all around me, that much I could make out. Dorian and Cullen's bickering would have normally made me chuckle but I was barely aware of what was even happening. </p><p>     I could make out Cassandra as well but she grew quiet amongst Dorian and Cullen. Soon there were other voices,  more hushed and less frantic. Solas' calm and collected voice was familiar and I for once was at ease with his presence. </p><p>     -"Several broken ribs."</p><p>   -  "And a broken arm."</p><p>     -"Lot's of blood loss. Is it internal?"</p><p>     "Cut away her armor and tunic, quickly!" Solas said in a tone that could almost be considered snappy.</p><p>     I faintly felt a tugging on my torso and then air hitting my bare skin. Then I could hear the collective inhalation of everyone in the tent. </p><p>    "<em>Maker's Breath." </em></p><p>    "The bruising is the least of our worries." Solas muttered as I felt the familar tingling of healing magic scanning me. </p><p>     Then everything went black once again.</p><hr/><p>     "Oh Maker hear my cry, guide me through the blackest nights...." I heard the low voice chanting off to the side of my cot. My eyes slowly opened and a soft light caused by a lantern filled my vision.</p><p>     I swallowed and became acutely aware of my extremely dry throat. I slowly turned my head in a bit a of a daze and tried to make sense of the low voice I could hear beside me. </p><p>     My eyes blinked again and again as a deep red form began to take shape. Instinctively,  I reached out a weak hand to touch him, to make him aware of me.</p><p>     I didn't quite reach him but the movement caught his eye and his head snapped up. I was met with intense gold eyes. He said nothing and neither did I. He looked as if he was in disbelief.  I could see him swallow hard and he extended a shaking hand to meet my own. </p><p>     He held my cold hand for several moments and his was warm and strong. He licked his lips and took a deep, steadying breath,</p><p>     "I thought we'd lost you." He rasped, his voice cracking. </p><p>     I tried to smile but I was only able to lift the corners of my mouth slightly. </p><p>     "You told me to find a way." I whispered. </p><p>     His eyes were filled with unspoken emotion but he said nothing.  Finally,  he let go of my hand and laid it gently at my side.</p><p>     "I'm going to get the healers. Don't try to move just yet." He murmured softly. </p><p>     He turned and left the tent and I could hear him barking orders in a tone that was in utter contrast to the way he'd just spoken to me. </p><p>     A thought occured to me as I lay there waiting. Cullen waited at my side, praying to his Maker.... <em>for me. </em>A familiar warmth and flutter filled me but was pushed away by the bustling healers entering my tent.</p><hr/><p>     We had been walking for days through the Frostbacks. Solas had assured me he'd seen an abandoned fortress while walking the fade and that we were headed in the right direction.  I had been given a horse to ride when the landscape made it possible. </p><p>     I was quickly growing weary of the fuss that everyone was making. Yes, I was in pain. No, there was nothing they could do. I simply wanted to find this blasted fortress and rest. </p><p>     Cullen had kept busy and I hadn't spoke to him since the day I woke up, much to my disappointment. Was he avoiding me? </p><p>     Solas trailed behind me and I had to resist the urge of asking him again how close we were. He insisted I be the one to lead everyone to this place, to scout and track this fortress. I didn't understand his reasoning but then again, I didn't understand Solas.</p><p>     I saw Cullen a little ways behind me and he seemed to be making his way to me. I stopped my horse and waited for him to catch up,  which didn't take long with his long strides. </p><p>     "Are you in need of any healing potion for your injuries? We are taking stock of our inventory and we need to know what you'll be requiring. " He said pleasantly enough but with the formal tone of professionalism. Gone was the hoard of emotions I had seen that day in the tent and it saddened me for reasons I cared not to admit.</p><p>     "Perhaps two more for today? If there is enough of course.... actually just give me half of one, I'm sure that will be-"</p><p>     "I will give you three." He interjected with a stern nod and glare. </p><p>     I opened my mouth to protest but before the words could fall from my mouth he slowly shook his head "no" and I snapped my lower jaw shut.</p><p>     "You're riding straighter today." He noted with a softer tone.</p><p>     I nodded, "yes, my ribs aren't aching as much today. The area is healing quickly thanks to the healers."</p><p>     "I'm happy to hear it." He murmured as he patted my horse.</p><p>     We grew quiet as I worked up the nerve to ask the question that had been on my mind since I'd awoke.</p><p>     "It was you wasn't it?" I said lowly.</p><p>     He looked up at me and slowly met my gaze. He asked me, "what?" But I could see in his face he already knew.</p><p>     "You pulled me from the snow. You came searching for me, just as you said you would." I said. </p><p>     "I-well....  of course I searched for you." He said as he began rubbing the back of his neck. </p><p>     "You saved my life. You know that don't you?"</p><p>     He chuckled deeply in his chest. "You saved <em>all </em>our lives. Do not make me the hero here."</p><p>     My eyes became wet with tears as a realization that he'd kept his word struck me like lightning. He did something that no one in my life had done before.</p><p>     "You.... you didn't leave me." I said in a quiet voice, afraid if I said it louder that my tears would spill over and I would melt into a sobbing mess.</p><p>     He lowered his hand from his neck and reached out as if to touch me, but instead placed it on my horse's neck. "Of course I didn't..... how could I ever?" He replied with a look of open honesty in his eyes. </p><p>     Then he gave one of his boyish, crooked smirks, and turned to walk back towards the group of people that were lugging the supply trunks behind.</p><p>     I felt the air in lungs leave my body. And it felt amazing. </p><p>     </p>
  </div></div>
<a name="section0015"><h2>15. Sever</h2></a>
<div class="story"><div class="userstuff module">
    
    <p>     <em>"<strong>YOUR INQUISITOR!"</strong></em></p><p>     The sounds of the cheering crowd whipped into a joyful frenzy by Cullen echoed in my head as I aimlessly wandered Skyhold. The surprise appointment to Inquisitor had caught me off guard. I was both deeply honored,  and deeply horrified. </p><p>     While with my clan, I had desperately sought any kind of position of honor. Anything to feel like I <em>belonged. </em>I reached for important positions as if they were my only lifeline to save me from drowning in my own self-doubt. If I could only become <em>important..... </em>if I only felt <em>needed,  </em>then I would finally feel like I was wanted. That I was one of them. </p><p>     Fate had a funny sense of humor.</p><p>     It is one thing to desire to be apart of the best warriors in a Dalish clan,  or to be the most skilled mage.... but to lead an entire organization that is in charge of saving the world? This was a larger promotion than I had ever dreamed of to say the least. </p><p>     "Your Inquisitorialness.... Got a minute?" Varric said with his usual mischievous twinkle in his eye. But I could tell his smile was strained and my interest was immediately peaked.</p><p>     "For my most honored dwarf? Always." I said as I motioned for him to join me as I stared over the battlements. The Frostbacks were capped in snow and surrounded Skyhold as if they were sacred guardians of the fortress.</p><p>     "Well from what I've seen, I'm the only dwarf. But I'll accept the compliment regardless." </p><p>     I chuckled and leaned against the wall. "So what can I help you with Varric? I am a very powerful woman now. Perhaps you'd like an extra roll for dinner? Or maybe an extra potato..." I waggled my brows as if my suggestions were tempting, pulling a laugh from Varric. </p><p>     "Your power is truly limitless Emerald. But you know..... at some point, the Inquisition will be much bigger, wealthier..... I'll make my requests when that happens."</p><p>     I shuddered and groaned. "Don't say that. I am already terrified at the thought."</p><p>     He quirked his head and examined me for a moment. "You got a good head on your shoulders Emerald. That's why they picked you. But look, uhhhh, I have someone visiting soon who has a lot of experience with that sort of thing. That's actually why I wanted to talk to you."</p><p>     I crossed my arms and raised a brow. "A visitor? So mysterious.... who is it?"</p><p>     Varric coughed into a closed fist and then kicked at the ground. "Well I'd rather not say just yet. This is gonna be a good thing though. Someone who knows a lot about Corypheus.  This person will be here in a few days."</p><p>     I gave a soft smile and shrugged,  "alright, you may remain mysterious master dwarf.  I must admit I am quite curious to learn this person's identity. "</p><p>     Varric smiled, his natural, full beaming smile. "You won't be disappointed I can tell you that." He turned and walked down the battlements towards what was quickly becoming established as Skyhold's tavern.</p><p>     I returned to my walk of the battlements and came to several doors. One room had a large empty bed and what looked like Bull's massive battle axe. <em>He must've claimed this room. </em>I thought to myself with a little chuckle. It was close to the tavern and it certainly wasn't a coincidence. </p><p>     I left the room and continued walking across the battlements,  and came to another room that stood largely empty and caked in dust. With a cough from the dust clouds my entry stirred up, I quickly found the door on the other side and continued my exploration.  </p><p>     The room ahead of me had it's door propped open. I was curious to see who had claimed this one as their own. I gave a little knock before entering to warn whoever was occupying the space.</p><p>     "Enter" a smooth, deep voice said. I smiled as I saw Cullen standing behind a massive Fereldan oak desk. Papers neatly stacked in multiple piles. Ceiling to floor bookshelves lined the wall beside the desk and he was already filling it with books and texts. The rest of the room was largely empty, and a fire was burning in the fireplace that was against the same wall as the door I'd entered. </p><p>     "I see you've found an office." I said with a smirk.</p><p>     Cullen's eyes shot up and he straightened immediately as if greeting a high ranking officer. "Inquisitor! Please, come in. I hope taking this room as an office was alright. Maker I should've asked you for approval first shouldn't I? Apologies Inquisitor,  I'll move my things o-"</p><p>     I held up a hand and stopped his apologetic ranting. "And you'll move them where? Back to the courtyard again? You need an office Cullen. I like your choice." I gave him a reassuring smile and he seemed to relax as he rubbed the back of his neck.</p><p>     "And please.... same rule applies. When it's just us, I'm just Theo. I need that normalcy,  even if it's in small quantities. "</p><p>     He gave a lopsided grin and nodded. "Of course. But there is something...."</p><p>     He seemed to stiffen again. "As Inquisitor,  there is something I need to tell you." His face was stern and serious and his gold eyes pierced into mine with great intensity. </p><p>     "Alright..." I said, feeling a growing anxiety inside myself. </p><p>     "As you know, lyrium gives Templars their abilities."</p><p>     I nodded slowly, "yes...."</p><p>     "You also know that I am no longer a Templar."</p><p>     I nodded again, trying to piece together where exactly he was going with this. The fire suddenly growing hotter, or was it just me?</p><p>     "As such, I am no longer taking Lyrium." He stated flatly as he gripped the pommel of his sword firmly.</p><p>     My mouth ran dry and I couldn't remember how to inhale. My eyes blinked rapidly as I stared at him, my mind trying to process his words.</p><p>     "Y-you don't take-"</p><p>     "I no longer take it." He reiterated with a slight scrunch of his brows. </p><p>     "For how long?" I managed to squeak out.</p><p>     "Right before coming to Haven. I expressed my wish to sever ties with the Order to Cassandra. It was one of my contingencies before accepting my current position. Actually,  it was the only contingency. She agreed, and keeps close watch over me."</p><p>     I ran a hand through my messy hair and realized it was trembling. "But, but you could die." I murmured as I wrapped my arms around myself.</p><p>     Cullen chuckled bitterly and darkly, "it hasn't killed me yet."</p><p>     "Are you in pain?" I asked, unconsciously walking towards him and reaching to grab his hand that rested on his desk. I squeezed it as I waited for him to answer.</p><p>     His eyes flicked to my hand and his gaze softened as he returned it to my face. "Not always. Some days are worse than others. If it gets to a point that I am unable to perform my duties as Commander, Cassandra will find a replacement. You needn't worry about that." </p><p>     I shook my head, "I hadn't even considered that. I am worried about <em>you </em>Cullen. But I think you're very brave for doing this. I respect your actions.  </p><p>     The corners of his mouth lifted, "thank you Theo. It means more than you know for me to have your approval. " He suddenly turned red and I remembered I was still covering his hand with my own. Then I felt my own face growing hot and I removed my hand and took a step back. </p><p>     Looking to change the subject, I quickly brought up Varric's mystery guest.</p><p>     Cullen raised his brows, "he wouldn't say who?" He asked even though I'd already said it.</p><p>     I shook my head, "no. I'm dying to find out" I said as I began making my way to the other door. </p><p>     I looked back and Cullen seemed lost in thought. Then he said with a grumble, "I have a hunch..... and if I'm right,  Cassandra is going to kill Varric. And if she doesn't,  I may do it myself." He added dryly as he crossed his arms.</p><p>     I arched a brow, "well out with it! What is your 'hunch'?" </p><p>     Cullen huffed, "I'd rather not speculate. We'll find out soon enough."</p><p>     I sighed and rolled my eyes. "Why is everyone so secretive around here? I am the Inquisitor now. I'm going to make it a official rule that everyone has to tell me everything." I childishly stuck my tongue out at the warm Commander as he stood draped in deep reds and earthy browns. Gold eyes dancing with amusement.</p><p>     "When it's officially a rule, I will be happy to follow it Inquisitor. " He gave a slight bow as he smirked. </p><p>     I laughed and left the room with a smile. But it quickly fell as I resumed my walk and the fear of what Cullen had just confessed quickly consumed me. </p>
  </div></div>
<a name="section0016"><h2>16. A Snake in the Library</h2></a>
<div class="story"><div class="fff_chapter_notes fff_head_notes"><b>Summary for the Chapter:</b><blockquote class="userstuff">
            <p>A little Dorian fun because I love him.</p>
          </blockquote></div><div class="userstuff module">
    
    <p>     Dorian draped his long legs over the large chair he had already managed to acquire from Josephine in the two weeks we'd been at Skyhold. He'd also had a large amount of books delivered from incoming merchants to fill the library that we now sat in. He poured himself another glass of wine and sighed loudly after he tasted the first sip of the freshly poured glass. </p><p>     "Another?" He asked me as he raised the bottle and extended it towards my glass. I snickered behind my glass and shook my head. "I've already had two, and with the amount you pour, it's probably the equivalent of three."</p><p>     He sniffed as he took another sip and then smacked his lips together loudly. "Well I only want to make sure you are relaxed for your big meeting with Varric's mystery guest. Excuse me for helping." </p><p>     I laughed again and stretched my arms above my head as I peered out the window. The day was gray and overcast, rain threatning to pour down at any moment. Thanks to whatever magic that radiated from Skyhold, it didn't snow, but just a few feet from the outer walls, the rain quickly turned to snow. It was bizarre and left many questions for all who saw it, including me. It was an ancient magic nobody understood. </p><p>     "Yes, I can't wait to see who it might be. Perhaps the mage who blew up the Chantry in Kirkwall? The Champion? Some dwarven king from the realms beneath us? A random woman from a brothel? There is no telling with Varric." I quipped.</p><p>     "I'm going with random woman from a brothel accompanied by the chantry bombing mage." Dorian said as he twisted his moustache.  </p><p>     "Now that would be too dramatic even for Varric." I said dryly. </p><p>     Dorian chuckled and peered at me for a moment. A question was brewing and his eyes began lighting up with mischief. </p><p>     "So... how is our fearless Commander?" He said in a drawn out tone.</p><p>     I sipped my half empty glass of red and shrugged, trying to act nonchalant. "He is well. All up and running in his own office now, we're getting an absolute outpouring of people volunteering to fight from all over Thedas. Josephine and Leliana truly know how to reach the right people to spread the word." I tried to steer the conversation away from anything involving an isolated conversation about Cullen. </p><p>     Dorian continued twisting the end of his moustache. "He is quite suitable for the job I must say. Have you seen him on the training grounds? Maker what I would give to have him barking orders at me..." he waggled his brows and I rolled my eyes with a grin.</p><p>     "You absolute whore. I thought you were entertaining that Duke who arrived two nights ago? Not to mention your infatuation with a certain Qunari..."</p><p>     Dorian gasped, "I am <em>not </em>infatuated with that....<em>animal </em>of a man!" </p><p>     I quirked a brow, not convinced,  "oh please.... you blush everytime he flirts with you. Which is everytime he has the chance by the way."</p><p>     Dorian smoothed a hand over his hair. "Well now, I can hardly blame him. But back to the main point of this conversation: will you at least admit that Cullen, shirtless on the training grounds is the closest thing to heaven that you've ever seen?" </p><p>     I laughed and shook my head.</p><p>     "Come now <em>Herald, </em>I may be a whore and you a saintly prophet, but you are still a person are you not? With needs??"</p><p>     "I am far from a saint Dorian and yes I have needs. Creators unbelievably neglected needs." I said with a groan as I dropped my head back against my chair. </p><p>     "So then you admit to the man's unearthly good looks?"</p><p>     I felt myself smiling as I looked up at the high ceiling of the rotunda. </p><p>     "Alright, alright. I'll admit it. He's something of a golden god, especially out there on the training grounds, shirtless, sweaty, muscles flexed and ....."</p><p>     Dorian was smirking, "and what? Speak up will you? Maker you speak lowly."</p><p>     "And.... that's all I'm going to say about Cullen and his ridicously handsome self!" I exclaimed without taking my eyes off the ceiling.</p><p>     "Maker's breath... I-Well... uh....sorry to interrupt..." </p><p>     My head snapped up and I looked to Dorian who was smirking like a demon and his gaze was focused directly behind me. I knew who had spoken and I felt my entire body turn fire blazing red. </p><p>     I turned around and forced myself to look up. "Commander.... I- oh bloody hell." I threw my hands up in defeat. "It's not like you and every other person who's laid eyes on you doesn't know how handsome you are.  It's not exactly a secret." My expression had to have resembled a petulant child. </p><p>     Then Cullen's awkward, panicked expression softened and the corners of his mouth lifted just slightly. "Well... I am flattered to say the least. Especially to hear it from-" his eyes suddenly darted back to Dorian who's elbows now rested on his knees as he leaned forward looking like a child receiving a gift on their name day.</p><p>     Cullen cleared his throat and straightened. "I was on my way to speak with Leliana. I noticed you sitting here and wanted to remind you that the council would like an immediate briefing as soon as you are finished meeting with this guest of Varric's"</p><p>     I nodded, my face returning to one of professionalism. "Of course Commander. Be waiting in the war room for my return. "</p><p>     He nodded and continued on his way to see Leliana. </p><p>     I whipped my head around and practically growled at Dorian. "You absolute Snake! You set me up!" I threw a book at him and he yelped as he struggled to not spill his wine.</p><p>     "Well someone has to give you two a push!" He replied as he smoothed over his jacket.</p><p>     "Pay back is coming Pavus!" I called back as I made my way down the stairs.</p><hr/><p>     Hawke.</p><p>     She was as fierce as the stories had made her out to be. Her frame was lean but strong with the well defined muscles of a warrior. The red paste crossed over the bridge of her nose, accenting her already stunning blue eyes.  Her hair wasn't that different looking from my own with the exception of mine being wavy and with the choppy clan Lavellan bangs. </p><p>     Her great sword was strapped closely against her back and she leaned to one side casually as she spoke of her experiences in Kirkwall and her direct dealings with Corypheus. I liked her. But I was also admittedly,  intimidated by her. She was confident,  experienced..... I was confident in myself despite years of being looked down upon. It had made me stronger and more self-reliant. Hawke shared that same level of self-reliance but also had extreme confidence in leading others. Something I was still learning. </p><p>     "This position.... "Inquisitor " don't let it suck the life out of you. You have needs and are allowed simple pleasures... dreams.... people with take you for everything you have, then leave you high and dry. Be cautious with your time and who you surround yourself with." </p><p>     Her words were wise and I took them to heart. </p><p>     </p><p>     </p>
  </div></div>
<a name="section0017"><h2>17. Scream</h2></a>
<div class="story"><div class="fff_chapter_notes fff_head_notes"><b>Summary for the Chapter:</b><blockquote class="userstuff">
            <p>*TRIGGER WARNING"</p><p>descriptions of suicide and loss.</p>
          </blockquote></div><div class="userstuff module">
    
    <p>     <em>"Dalen, you mustn't blame yourself. There is no way you could have known." Keeper Deshanna, my aunt, had murmured to me as she held me close to her chest and tried to shield my eyes from the trees.</em></p><p>
  <em>     I didn't say anything but my body shook violently as I sobbed. I had finally stopped screaming and fell into breathless sobs as several men from the clan somberly began the task of cutting her down.  </em>
</p><p>
  <em>     I had awakened that morning with a heaviness.  As soon as my eyes opened, I somehow knew my world had drastically changed.  When I looked to my mother's bed and found it empty, completely undisturbed,  as if she hadn't slept in it at all the night before, the heaviness turned to panic.</em>
</p><p>
  <em>     Before I could reach the door of our caravan, I heard a woman screaming for help. My hands shook as I slowly turned the knob and took a step out of the caravan and towards the sounds of screams. People were gathering in front of the trees to the left of my caravan. I didn't bother searching for my mother. I knew I wouldn't find her amongst the masses of  the crying and shocked.</em>
</p><p>
  <em>     I pushed myself forward, through the people, my fellow clansmen and women. I had to see with my own eyes. I had to know for certain. I clutched the emerald necklace she'd placed around my neck the night before and prayed to the Creators that she was alive. </em>
</p><p>
  <em>     Through the trees I could see a figure hanging from one of the thick branches. Everything moved in slow motion, time seemed to stand still. I finally made it to the front of the crowd,  no one stopping me before I saw what I already knew in my heart.</em>
</p><p>
  <em>     She was unnaturally white. No color to her usual pink lips. Her eyes were closed,  and she appeared almost peaceful. Her arms hung slack at her sides, her head tilted to one side and down. Then I heard a distant blood curdling scream. </em>
</p><p>
  <em>     It sounded as if it had been ripped from every tortured and pain filled soul,  and then amplified by the surrounding trees. Surely whoever was screaming in such a way, surely they would die of heartbreak. In fact, this was the sound of a heart breaking, tearing into pieces, never to be mended together again. It was so terrible and so filled with despair, I fell to my knees and covered my ears, trying to block the terrible sound out.</em>
</p><p>
  <em>     Then my Keeper was in front of me, blocking my view. All I saw was her worried face that looked so similar to my mother's. She was grabbing my face and kissing my forehead, telling me again and again to breath.</em>
</p><p>
  <em>     I realized it was me that was screaming. It was my heart that was breaking. My heart being torn into pieces and left to bleed out. </em>
</p><p>
  <em>     My mother was dead because I'd failed to see the signs. Failed to stop her. Failed her. </em>
</p><hr/><p>     "Do we know yet the number of casualties from Haven?" I asked as I tapped the war room table and looked down at the markers covering the map.</p><p>     "The numbers continue to rise Inquisitor.  More have succumbed to their injuries,  some illness or infection..... it is unfortunate news." Josephine said sadly as she looked up from her writing board.</p><p>     I didn't say anything, nor did I look up from the map. I didn't want anyone to see my face as I was sure it would betray me. As I became more and more aware of the losses we had endured, the more the guilt weighed on me. It felt like swimming under water and slowly diving deeper and deeper and feeling that enormous weight on every inch of my body. </p><p>     "We are working on some kind of memorial to erect where Haven stood. A chance to allow survivors to properly mourn their loss." Leliana said softly.</p><p>     "It's my fault. He wanted me. Had I acted sooner-"</p><p>     "That was not something we could have possibly known. Besides, you barely escaped with your life. Who knows if you would have made it under any other circumstances. " Cullen interjected in a firm but gentle tone.</p><p>     I didn't respond but the guilt ate away at me silently. It always had. </p><p>     "Let us move on Inquisitor.  You've yet to reveal who Varric's mystery guest is." Josephine said a little more upbeat. </p><p>     I absent mindedly fumbled with one of the markers as I muttered, "The Champion. "</p><p>     "For Maker's fucking sake" Cullen muttered under his breath as he pinched the bridge of his nose. Josephine gasped and covered her mouth,  her eyes wide and sparkling with excitement. </p><p>     "Does Cassandra know? She is going to kill Varric."  Leliana said with slight smirk.</p><p>     I shrugged, not understanding what the big deal was. Cullen seemed especially perturbed. </p><p>     "I don't know. She may know by now. Hawke was charming. Funny and very helpful. She needs me to go with her to Crestwood. There is a Grey Warden she wishes me to meet. Apparently he's been in hiding for reasons she wouldn't disclose.</p><p>     "Of course she wouldn't. " Cullen growled.</p><p>     "Not a big fan of the Champion, Commander?" I asked with an arched brow. His entire demeanor had changed and he was visibly annoyed. His face scrunched up and scowling.</p><p>     "Listen, Hawke has done many good things, especially for Kirkwall. But wherever Hawke goes, trouble follows. Part of that is because she associates with people on the wrong side of the law. And she has a tendency to protect them." Cullen said sternly. </p><p>     "Pirates, thieves, assains....she has certainly led an exciting life. " Leliana added. </p><p>     "She has information about Corypheus' next move,  and so does this Grey Warden of hers. This is too important to not follow up on." I said in a tone that demanded no argument. </p><p>     Cullen sighed and shook his head, "I agree. Hawke is trying to help and I'm sure she does have information that we need."</p><p>     "We should leave within a few days to get to Crestwood as quickly as possible." I said as Josephine feverishly wrote on her board.</p><p>     "Just.... don't believe everything she tells you. If you think Varric exaggerates.... you haven't heard anything until he and Hawke get together and begin telling stories. That goes double for any stories about me. Believe nothing they say about me." He added as he rubbed his forehead. </p><p>     I smiled slightly and Leliana and Josephine giggled behind their hands. </p><p>     "Don't worry Commander, I shall not let those bullies soil your reputation." I bowed in a mock gesture of oath taking and he rolled his eyes and muttered a "Maker's breath".</p><p>    Finally he straightened and said in his most Commander tone, "Can we move on? There's more work to be done." </p><p>     </p>
  </div></div>
</body>
</html>